sharing my heart

Something has happened in my heart recently. I arrived home last weekend and probably for the first time did I really see change.  Change in one of our adopted children.  Change that has always been there, but that I just did not truly see.  Change that takes my breath away.

Sweet Haven.

We adopted Haven in 2008.  You can read about it here.  Haven was adopted before, but for whatever reasons they had, the family chose not to complete the adoption.  She had a family for five days, and was then returned to the orphanage.  When we found Haven through our agency, she had just a few days left to find a family.  She had waited for three years, and China had decided that her time was up. Haven had been labeled "autistic," "non-verbal," "severely delayed," and "mentally ill."  She came with a long list of special needs.

I so clearly remember the morning of our gotcha day.  Anthony and I were sitting and having breakfast.  We were due to leave for the civil affairs office in just an hour.  We turned to each other and said, "So, I guess our lives are about to be changed forever today."  We had absolutely no idea what we were getting ourselves into. The child we had been told about was not going to be one of those easy-peasy adoption stories that you read about on blogs and in adoption magazines. The only thing we were sure of was that we were doing what the Lord told us to do--and we would leave every care, ever fear, every doubt, and every fleshly desire that wanted to run out of that building and go back to our little comfortable life to the Almighty Father.

An hour later we met our sweet daughter, our "Haven" as the Lord had named her.  The one who would need a "safe and sheltered place." We walked into that civil affairs office in Nanjing, China, and my heart almost stopped.  She was already there, waiting for us, clinging to the nanny who brought her.  My first thought was, "She's severely delayed, her brain is not working properly." Haven stood there, her eyes half shut, staring off at nothing, her mouth hanging open, she looked like she was just not even there...only in body.

My heart broke.  I vacillated between wanting to leg it out of that building and run as far away as I could, and just wanting to go and hold her in my arms, reassuring her that everything was going to be okay.  I was t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d.  We made our way toward the little girl dressed in pink. She was so afraid of white people--they represented abandonment to this sweet angel. We took things very slowly, gaining her trust at her pace.

Haven was nothing anyone said she was! Delayed?  Absolutely.  Non-verbal?  Yes.  But we knew that she was not autistic. We knew that the diagnosis was just a bunch of hogwash. We knew that hidden behind the frightened little girl who was to become our daughter was a treasure just waiting to be found.  Just a month before her eighth birthday, the angel we were given that day was more like a one year old. She was unable to take her clothes off, brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, or use the potty.  We were adopting a virtual toddler.

And so it began.  The road to teaching Haven new things.  The road toward healing. The little angel was locked away in a room for the last two years of her life, isolated from everyone because orphanage staff were afraid to "catch" what she had if they touched her (autism, becoming non-verbal).  Life for Haven was about to change.

It struck me this week--the change in Haven's life has been nothing short of miraculous.  I have looked at my sweet little girl after being away from home for a while, and something has struck me over and over again. Haven has hope!  It's not that I did not know it before, because I did, but this time it's different. 

I see in Haven what every single child waiting deserves.  Hope!

The opportunity to learn and grow.  The right to belong to a family.  The right to have a mom and a dad, no matter what is 'wrong' with them. The right to have a God-given name--not just a random orphanage name. Whether they're babies, toddlers, big kids, children with needs, or teenagers...they all have the right to a family.

I see in Haven the potential that is in every single child, and I'm seeing it with fresh eyes after spending weeks and weeks with children on the other side of the world who are treasures just waiting to be found.  Riches stored in secret places.

THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ANY CHILD IN AN ORPHANAGE!

Nothing.  Zero.  Zip.

Haven would absolutely have ended up in a mental institution for disabled adults.  What kind of hope is that?  What kind of life is that for any human being?

Adoption is their ONLY HOPE!  And in most countries, foreign adoption is their only hope.  There is a less than zero percent chance that either Haven, Hannah-Claire, Hailee or Harper would be adopted by a local family.  They have no value in their own country.  They have absolutely no worth in their society. They are are defined by their 'special needs' in their countries. Their only hope is for a foreign family to come and rescue them. Period.

I recently spent a few weeks at my daughters orphanage in the Ukraine. There was a group of volunteers there at the same time--a Danish high school group. They were working hard--cleaning the yard, loving on babies, playing with the older children.  It warmed my heart to watch them serving in that place.  I inquired about whether any "church groups" had ever been there.  "No" was my answer.  Gosh, that saddened me.  I wish that there were more of a way to mobilize God's body to help the 147 million orphans in the world.

I read Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love.  I bet many of you have read it too. With tears streaming down my face I agreed with every word he wrote.  I too believe that the church is in jeopardy of becoming lukewarm. I too believe that faith without works is useless.  I too believe that we have become so wrapped up in other things that really do not matter. I too believe that we have forgotten about the things that really do matter to the Father.

The orphan crisis can no longer be everyone else's problem. We're the Christians, we're the ones who are commanded to care for them. There has to be a way for the church to become more active in finding solutions to the ever-growing problem.

Anthony and I still do not have it all figured out, friends.  We are so far from getting it right.  And every day I feel like we still have such a far way to go with understanding the heart of the Father in all this.  Like most of you, we're longing to see more children come home, more families commit to adoption, and more churches get involved in orphan ministries.  The need is truly overwhelming.

I long, with everything that is within me, to see more Christians go.  I long for more people to experience the blessing of adoption. Some days I want to shout it from the rooftops.  Other days I just weep.  I know there are so many ministries doing amazing things to create an awareness of the orphan crisis, but I so wish the progress didn't have to be so slow.

The arguments we hear, well, they just get a little tiring after a while.

I'd be rich for every time I heard, "Children should grow up in their own culture."  What?  Are you kidding me?  A child is better off in a mental asylum than in a family?  Give me a break.

"We're too old."  Really?  My hubby is 52 and is adopting a two year old.  Rather an old dad than no dad.

"We're just not called to adopt."  Just go ask God and see what He says.  You may be surprised.

"It costs too much."  Yep, we didn't exactly have over $30,000 lying around either--but God did!

"Life is so busy with our two children."  Yeah, I also thought life was busy when I had two.  Now I have almost seven, and the busyness has not changed, but the blessedness certainly has.

"I just could never do that."  Give it a try, I say.  Anything we do without the Lord is impossible anyway. I guess that's why He tells us in His Word that ALL things are possible with Him.

Our hearts are longing to know what it fully means to "deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him" (Matt 16:24). We have such a long way to go.  I don't think we have even touched the tip of the iceberg in understanding what it truly means to deny ourselves. It's hard to deny the flesh. It's hard to give up things that we hold on to. It's hard to give up dreams that we thought are so important.

I am so thankful that God sent us to adopt Haven, a child who, in every way, was written off as being "unadoptable."  Through this treasure I am beginning to understand what the word HOPE means to every child.  Through my daughter I am learning that every child has potential. Every child needs a family. Every child has a right to a family.

I love a quote that Chan used in his book.

"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that really don't matter."
                                     Tim Kizziar

For me, I pray that I never get wrapped up in the things in this life that truly do not matter.

no title

Because for the life of me I just cannot think of one. Too much on my mind.

Thank you for all your very sweet birthday messages for Anthony's birthday.  He appreciated them so much. We had a great day together.

Aaahh...life is busy!  Ridiculously so.  'Rest' and 'relaxing' are not in the vocabulary around here.  There is much to do as we prepare to move our family at the end of May.  We're moving back to the east coast.  We used to live there and are going back.  The timing is a little wild with Hailee and Harper coming home, but never in a million years did we expect to still be waiting to bring them home.

My days are spent packing, de-junking, sorting out more kids clothes than I ever thought my children owned (thanks to a constant flow of hand-me-downs), and figuring out what furniture will fit into our teeny tiny house.  It's a crazy time to scale down and move into a smaller house, but you know what?  I'm actually looking forward to it. It is absolutely God's provision for our family in this season of our lives and we're so thankful. We're following His lead with desperate surrender.

I have finally been able to get a flight back to the Ukraine. I will leave on Monday, May 3. Anthony will be joining me there--but he will be arriving on May 7.  We hope to be able to return home WITH THE GIRLS around May 14 or so. 

There are no words to describe how desperately I am missing Hailee and Harper.  Something awful.  Next Thursday they will be all ours.  I will walk into that orphanage and take them out forever.  My heart can hardly wait. What a long and crazy journey this has been. It definitely has not turned out the way we had hoped--but it has turned out exactly as the Father destined, and that's okay with us. We trust Him with all our hearts, even when things make absolutely no sense at all. Even when my heart is longing to have them here with us.  Even when I don't understand why they are still there.

Many, many of you have written to ask me about Hailee's drugs and some have expressed concern about us weaning her off them.  I appreciate your concern so much.  I actually got the name of the drug a while ago and we have already consulted our doctor here.  The drug is NOT addictive, thank the Lord.  It is a drug which is given to patients with severe mental disorders, a neuro psychotic drug.  It has a tranquilizing effect, which is why they give it to her.  It makes her feel 'numb' and unable to function properly.  Ugh. According to our doctor Hailee can be weaned off the drug safely and very quickly. 

Many have also asked me why Hailee is subjected to drugs, and Harper is not. Well, after next Thursday, when our children are in my custody, I will be able to share Hailee's story a lot more freely.  Until they are in my arms forever, I have to be cautious here.  I absolutely cannot cross the line that could lead to complications.  Saying too much could jeopardize things (even at this late stage of the adoption), and I cannot ever do that.  I know you all understand.  Even as I sit here at my desk, I tear up thinking about my sweet baby girl lying in her crib so far away. There are some things that my human heart will never understand in this life. Such as this, her life.

I went shopping and bought heaps and heaps of candy for the older kids at the orphanage.  I cannot wait to share some American candy with them.  My heart truly does break for the older children.  How hard it must be for them to see families come and adopt children...and get left behind.  Gosh, I know they must wonder when it will be their turn. I cannot even imagine.  I ache for them. Let's face it...there are just too many orphans in this world, and sadly, too few willing to take them home.  But that's a post all of it's own.  Maybe soon. I don't know. I don't even think I can put into words how desperate I feel about the orphan crisis.

It's the thing that keeps me up at night.  Everything else just seems so frivolous.  Things that once seemed so important to me, no longer matter.  When I close my eyes I see the ones I will have to leave behind next Thursday when I visit my daughter's orphanage for the last time. Their sweet faces are etched in my memory forever....

The one's who wait and wait and wait.  Oh God in heaven.

starting to catch up

Today we celebrated my hubby's birthday. How absolutely blessed I am to be married to this man. He completes me. I'm so thankful to the Lord for His precious gift to me--a man after God's own heart. A man who will literally go to the ends of the earth to follow his God.  A man who will say "Yes" to the Father, no matter what the cost.



Daddy and his precious girls--just missing two.



Anthony with the in-laws.



Daddy and his boys.



Kellan and Dad.



Today has been a blessed day. I am so thankful that the Lord timed it so that I could be home with my hubby on his special day. We rested and just had sweet moments together as a family.

Can you even believe that I arrived home to this?  Oh my goodness, I got off the plane with my flip-flops on and had to dig out some warm clothes to wear. Spring in the mountains is definitely unpredicatable.



Okay, so I really am a goof.  In my haste to post on my blog about my changing plans last Thursday, I completely forgot to let you know the outcome of court.  Only once I was on the train and heading toward Kiev when I thought about it.  It was such a crazy day, full of emotion.

So let me start all my catching up by telling you about my experience in court.

I am not easily intimidated.  There are few things that rattle my cage.  I can stand up and speak to an audience of however many, and not get nervous.  But last Thursday, I seriously felt the nerves.  Being in that courtroom made me nervous.  Maybe it was because I had already journeyed such a rocky road with the judge.  I don't know.  I only know that I was a mess.

We arrived at the courthouse and were ushered into this very official looking room.  The interpreter leans over and tells me that whatever I do, "please do not cry in front of the judge.  He does not have any mercy and will not approve of any tears."  Great.  Obviously my facilitator has told her that I am just a big cry baby who has cried buckets of tears in the last four weeks.  I tell myself that I have to hold it together.

The judge keeps us waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes.  We waited and waited and waited.  As the minutes tick by, I get more and more nervous.  Oh my goodness, totally awful.  So intimidating. Eventually he makes an appearance and takes up his position high up on the platform, flanked by two huge guys on either side of him. I figured they must be jurors or something. They sit in these enormous chairs and tower over everyone sitting on the wooden benches in front of them.

As soon as he entered the room, I was absolutely positive of what I have been up against for the last few weeks.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the judge would not be waivering the ten-day waiting period. This is a spiritual battle--a battle for the lives of two children, and it is hectic.

The judge pulled out a big wad of papers and start reading in Russian. I had no clue what in the world he was saying.  It's kind of freaky. He reads and reads and reads. He reads my entire dossier, and the statement that I had written for court (why I wanted to adopt the girls).  Not once does he make eye contact with me.  His eyes were glued to the paperwork he was reading. 

Finally, after about forty-five minutes of reading, he asked me to "make a statement to him about why I feel like I want these children."  I was told to stand up, and I answered his question.  Then I was told to sit down.  I followed orders.  My knees were totally shaking and I wondered what in the world was going on with me.  The Lord comforted me and brought me peace.  I was a nervous wreck because I knew that our adoption was in the hands of this one man.  The thought of it made me terrified.  He had been less than happy about me adopting these girls from the start.

For the next thirty minutes or so, the judge fired questions at me.  Each time I answered I had to stand, answer the question, and then be seated.  His main "thing" was why do I want to adopt Hailee?  Did I know and understand her profound needs?  What was I going to do for her?  Blah, blah, blah.

Eventually the interpreter told me that court was adjourned, and the three men walked past me.  She went on to tell me that they would go into another room and make a decision as to whether I would be allowed to adopt Hailee and Harper. Geez, I was freaked out. 

We walked around the outside of the building to pass some time.  I prayed up a storm. My heart was at peace.  I knew that I knew that God had not brought me this far only to abandon me now. No way. I knew that no weapon formed against me would ever prosper.

After what felt like hours, we were summoned back into the court room. The group of three men walked past me again and took up their usual position in the ginormous chairs.  The judge read some more paperwork in Russian. I stood there wondering what in the world he is saying, and wondered if my legs were going to totally cave in.  I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life.

After about five minutes of reading the verdict, the interpreter told me that I "have been approved to adopt the two girls." She went on to tell me about the required ten-day waiting period and that it will actually be a longer time due to the public holidays because the judge would not do anything on a public holiday.

I fought tears and somehow, by the grace of God, managed to hold it together.

The judge exited the room.  I stood there convinced that in the two hours or so that we had been in the same room, he had not looked at my face once and had no clue of what I even looked like.

Oh well.

The reality hit me in the car.  I had some tough decisions to make.  The adoption was only going to be final at the middle of May.  We still had a long way to go. I would have to go home for a short time. Gosh, the thought broke my heart in two.  I didn't ever remember a time in my life when I had felt so torn.

I took an eight-hour train ride from Kharkiv to Kiev, went straight to the airport from the train station, had to stay there the entire night to catch a 5:30 a.m. flight to Germany the next morning, and made my way home.  By the time I arrived home I was finished.  I felt physically sick just from exhaustion and emotional fatigue.

The Lord has been good to me.  I am aching to have Hailee and Harper right here at home.  But I know that He does all things well.  I know that He has answered prayers, not in the way that we wanted, but in His way, and that is okay.  I am so desperately surrendered to His will and trust Him with everything that is within me. 

We are just so absolutely thankful that the God of the universe went before me and has softened the judge's heart to allow me to adopt the girls.  That is HUGE.  So many times in the last few weeks it looked impossible.  But God!

How blessed we are that the Lord chose us to be Hailee and Haper's parents.  Our hearts are overflowing with thankfulness.

Now we just have to get them HOME where they belong.

home

Hello dear friends

After a very long journey, I am home and so thankful to be with my family. I am absolutely exhausted from dealing with so many emotions from the last few weeks and jet lag.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your outpouring of love and support.  Oh my goodness gracious, I was completely blown away when I got to my blog and saw your sweet comments.  Please know that I am so thankful for your amazing encouragement.  It truly does mean the world to me. You guys rock!

I have so much to share.  Tomorrow, I promise. The last few days have been a whirlwind. 

May the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords envelope you in His love.

Walking in His amazing grace.

a change of plans

As soon as I walked into the courtroom this morning, I knew.  I just knew that the judge would say 'no' to the waiver.  When he came into the room, I was even more convinced. I knew in the spirit what I was up against.

A vicious battle rages for the lives of all orphans.

I have so much to share--there is so much on my heart.

But, plans have had to change and I am heading home for a few days...empty-handed. I have to. Financially it is too hard to stay here and wait this out.  And, I have five little children at home that cannot go for seven or eight weeks without seeing their mommy. We still have at least another three weeks to go before this process is done here. It is so crazy.  The ten day waiting period all of a sudden became a fourteen day wait with all the public holidays in May. So terribly unfair. My children have to remain in an orphanage longer and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Oh my goodness, the thought of it brings rivers of tears.

I am absolutely heartbroken, I am so torn...but standing firm in my faith.  There are times when our answer from heaven is not the one we so desperately wanted.  But I know my God is still working things out on our behalf.  In ways I cannot see. I cannot only praise Him when I'm on the mountain top, but so deep down in the valley too...like today, when my heart is aching to bring my girlies home with me.

We're putting one foot in front of the other and following His lead. He is still on the throne!  Hallelujah.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.                                    James 1:2-4

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

thank you so much

Thank you, thank you, thank you dear friends for the huge number of you who have contacted me to say that you are standing with me in prayer for my court appointment tomorrow.  I so appreciate it--more than you will ever know.

My heart is at peace.  No matter what happens tomorrow, whether the judge waivers or implements the ten day waiting period, I know it will be God's best! Because we've prayed. I Know that I know that my God is for me, and that no matter which way things go, it is going to be just fine.  I have faith so much bigger than a mustard seed, trusting Him for the waiver. That is all He requires of me right now. Complete trust. The outcome, I'll leave in His capable hands.

My time with Hailee and Harper has been hit and miss this week.  Hailee pretty much sleeps 24/7.  The drug she has to take makes her so tired that even when she is awake, her little eyelids look like they must feel like lead.  She just cannot keep them open, no matter how hard she tries.  It kills me.

While Hailee sleeps, my littlest lovee and I have had some quality time together.



Oh this cherub, she is one tiny little bundle of huggable love.



Harper is as smart as they come.  She is very determined and knows exactly what she wants. She is going to be a very fast learner.



If there is one thing I am absolutely positive of with this angel it is that her little feet are hardly ever going to hit the ground at home.  Yep--she is all about being in arms.  She has figured that out very quickly with me. I told you she was a fast learner.



And when she looks at me with those beautiful eyes...well, all resistance crumbles.



How thankful I am to the Lord that He chose us!

Thank you for your love and your support, sweet friends. Thank you for praying. Let's see what the Father does tomorrow. It's ALL in His hands. I will update you just as soon as I can.

Please continue to pray for Hailee.  She is really struggling.  It is more than my heart can bear.

Love and hugs from the Ukraine.

rising up

Those of you who have adopted before will know the fact that there is a golden rule for those of us who blog publicly, advocate for children, or even for adoption agencies--we have to let our words be few.  We have to use extreme caution when it comes to the things that go out into the world from places like this, my little blog.

Here I am, holding back, and it is hard for me. I'm not good at holding back. As I wait for things to become finalized here I cannot jeopardize anything at all. I must use absolute wisdom. Just so you understand. Once everything is said and done, well, then things can change a bit and I can be a little more open again.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have offered encouragement, prayer, songs, scripture, and everything else. I was blown away reading ALL your words of love and wisdom. I'm still making my way through all the e-mails. I can tell you that you all get it, you really do. You understand that my almost five year old, sixteen pound daughter needs out. Soon.

Sometimes a picture, like the one of Hailee I posted yesterday, IS worth a thousand words.

Never in my life, and even in all our time on the mission field, have I experienced anything like this journey. To say that it has changed my life is an understatement. It has turned my world upside down. I will never be the same again. The things I have seen will be etched in my memory forever--they will be my constant reminder that I will fight for the children who get left behind until the day that I die. I will try, as best as I can, to be a voice for the fatherless until Jesus comes to take me home. God knows how desperately these precious treasures NEED voices out there.  Here, they have none.

Thursday is the day!  I will finally, after all these weeks, go before the judge in court. Finally. What a journey it has been to get to this point. For those of you unfamiliar with the adoption process in this country, usually after court there is a ten day waiting period.  In some regions the judge will waiver that period, in others not. In this region I'm in it can go either way, depending on the judge assigned to each case. 

For weeks I have been told that there is absolutely no way the judge will consider it for me.  At one point we were told he was "thinking" about it--then the whole Russian thing happened with the little boy and I was told "definitely not".  I lost all hope for a little while. Then, one day it hit me like a ton of bricks--if I'm going to lead the faith-filled life that God has called me too, then I need to step out and trust Him with reckless abandon, come what may. No matter how many times I hear those words, "It is impossible." Impossible situations give God an opportunity to show His GLORY, right?

Yes, they sure do.

If the God I serve is the God of the Bible (and I know He is), then His miracles never cease.  If He can part the waters and raise people from the dead, heck, he can give me a miracle for my daughters. The great I Am--the One who never changes.

I had to dig deep in my faith, friends.  I am tired and weary from being here, and being alone. I am weary of the battle that continues to rage. Events from the last few days have left me feeling depleted. And, I never imagined I would still be sitting here waiting for my court appointment.  Enough already!

I am rising up with renewed boldness, clothed in the full armor of God. I am going into that court appointment on Thursday morning trusting my God in heaven for a miracle. Trusting Him that He WILL soften the judge's heart and that the guy will grant me the waiver I so desperately want, and more importantly that Hailee so desperately needs.

If the judge does waiver the waiting period, Hailee and Harper will come out of the orphanage as early as THIS Friday and we would head home hopefully by the end of next week.

If he does not, well, then we still have a long way to go on this journey.  May is filled with public holidays here...which means even more delays. The soonest Hailee and Harper will be able to get out of the orphanage is May 6.  And we would only go home mid-May.  Oh my goodness. That feels like forever, especially since I left home on March 28.

I absolutely have to trust my God in this.  Any of you who have journeyed with me for a while know that the Father has been so incredible with this adoption.  He truly has moved heaven and earth on Hailee and Harper's behalf.  I know that the Almighty holds the hearts of kings in His hands, and that moving on the heart of this one judge is nothing for Him. Absolutely nothing. I trust Him with all my heart and soul, with everything that is within me--and so I'll trust Him in this too.  No matter what happens. No matter which way things turn out.  He is for me and our girls in every way and He'll see us through to the other side.

I remembered a quote from a book that a friend e-mailed me just before I left home.

 "Preparing her heart to stand before the judge, she remembered that it was God's job to guard the paths of justice; her job was to follow His lead. She knew that truth & justice were the works of His hands. God is in control."

Truth and justice are the works of His hands! He IS in control.  This is HIS battle, and I'll follow His lead, knowing with all my heart that He works out all things to the good of those who love Him.

Anthony and I feel so blessed that so many people are praying--trusting God for great favor and a sweet victory on Thursday. Thank you for standing with us and, in faith, trusting that this mountain WILL move and that I can get the girls OUT on Friday.  Oh how glorious that would be.  I cannot even begin to tell you.  To bring them here, finally be able to give them a bath, wash their hair, put on new clothes and love and cuddle for hours without having to say goodbye. That would surely be heaven on earth right now.

Thank you, dear friends of a Mighty God, thank you for praying that every obstacle that stands before me will simply disappear.  Thank you for trusting that the hearts of those who will make decisions on Thursday are beginning to soften, even now.  Thank you for praying that God would give me the words to speak.  Thank you for praying for great favor...even from a man who was very unsure about me adopting these girls right from the start.

And thank you for praying that His hand of protection would be upon my girls as they wait.

Thank you for being part of Hailee and Harper's unfolding story.

My God is ABLE!

He defends the cause of the fatherless.
Deut 10:18

no words necessary

We're holding on tightly and we're never letting go.



Hailee needs out, friends.  Desperately. Trust me--she does. I cannot say more on a public blog.

I so appreciate each and every one of you journeying with me. It is such a comfort to know that the people of a Mighty God are praying. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to me at this time.

PLEASE continue to pray with us that this WILL come to an end very soon.

reality

I have realized something about myself since I have been on this journey here in a far away land. 

I am NOT a strong person.  At all! I did used to think that I had a certain amount of strength.  But not anymore. I am as weak as they come. There are some things in this life that are, quite frankly, just too darn painful. Things that make me beg the Lord Jesus to hurry on up and come back NOW.

Our Hailee...she's not sick. Today I discovered that I was wrong in thinking that. She is, however, struggling with the side effects of a strong dose of the drug that she is on. She was doing so very well last week. I really thought that we had turned a corner with bonding. But everything changed on Saturday. I couldn't figure it out.

Today I found out that last week she was off her medication--the one for "best sleep". The drug which is prescribed for patients with severe mental disorders. The one that causes her to be so out of it that she is nothing but a [quiet] floppy ragdoll. Saturday, she resumed taking it.

Today I had to remind myself to breathe.  I felt like the walls were caving in on me.

Today I loved on my child who could not recognize me.

Today my heart broke as I looked into her eyes and told her that I adore her.

Today my daughter was lifeless.

Today I wept and told my God in heaven that I just could not understand it all.

Today I asked God, "Why?"

Today I whispered into her sweet ears and made her promises.

Today I shed tears for the ones that I will have to leave behind.

Today I crossed off another day on my countdown to this process being complete.

Today I asked the Lord how come others have completed their adoption in less than a week--but I still sit here waiting for court.

Today I begged the Father, "Where is your church?  Who will come and rescue all the others?"

Today I lost it completely.

My daughter's reality is truly more than my heart can deal with. I am aching for her. Aching for others.

So there you have it--I am NOT a strong person at all.  When it comes to this stuff, I totally turn to mush.

I am so thankful that HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.

every child

Deserves the loving arms of a mommy to hold them tight when they're feeling sick. Every single child!



I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
John 14:18

Our sweet Hailee is feeling nasty.  My heart breaks for her.  There is absolutely nothing I can do for her, but pray.  I am longing for the day I can finally take them out of that place. Longing with all my heart to be full-time mommy to these angels.

Trusting in the ONE who knows what's best.

rolling along

The last couple of days have been so glorious.  The warmer weather has been such a blessing compared to the overcast days we have had.  I am so ready for summer I cannot even tell you.  Something about being in the sun just makes me feel a whole lot better.

The caretakers know me now.  On any slightly warmer days we go outside, just me and my babes.  It's quite an ordeal to get the two bundled up for the oh so chilly seventy degree days.

I just laugh about it now--there is nothing I can do to change it. This is the way they wrap kids up here, whether I like it or not. Even on the street I see the kids dressed for sub-zero temps. It's just life in this part of the world.  I remember China being exactly the same.

The good news is that even though Hailee can hardly move--she IS being dressed in more girly colors. Blue and green still make an occasional appearance, but nothing like the first ten days.

I did chuckle because today I saw such a sweet little pink hat lying on the table, so I put it on Hailee.  As we were walking out the door to head outside, an older caretaker came and pointed to the back of the hat. I could tell that the dear was not happy. Huh?  I had no idea what she was showing me.  Until I looked and saw that the hat was made in such a way that the back part did not fully close all the way.  There was a half an inch gap that exposed Hailee's head.  Oh my goodness, that hat got taken off faster than I could say a word, and replaced with a much more suitable hat for a seventy degree day....no holes in sight. Lord have mercy.

At least it's cute and purply.



We have such a sweet time together. Harper loves the stroller. Hailee is getting better with it.

They have these very cool carriage-type strollers here. I have never seen them anywhere else I have lived. Some of them are even made to look old fashioned with the large antique looking wheels. It works perfectly as a twin stroller. I have seen them line up three kids in these things for walks. No seatbelts, but I guess they figure if you don't need 'em in the car, you don't need 'em in these either.

Kind of nice because the girls get to see each other as we roll along.

And play with each other's feet.

Touch!



We wander up and down this quiet country road. The orphanage fence is brightly colored.  We bump along quietly and I tell them all about what life is about to look like for them in just a few weeks.

Yes, life is certainly about to change for these two sweethearts. And it could not come one day too soon for their mother.



I have had a sweet victory at the orphanage.  They have been very unsure about me there. They couldn't understand why I would want to adopt these two children. They probably didn't trust me very much in light of the recent tragedy in the adoption community.  Who can blame them? It is all over the news here. Each and every day I would walk in and get asked some kind of question...Was I sure about this? Why was I adopting two children? Was I going to change my mind?  I would get the cold shoulder every day. I knew they were not liking me too much.

But things have changed.  Today my facilitator was with the chief doctor and the director of the orphanage.  She came to me with a smile on her face.  "They love you now," she said.  Seriously?

Yep, it seems that things have turned a corner.  They are seeing with their own eyes that these two children are loved and treasured more than words can say.

They're seeing the love of Jesus in action--and they don't even know it.

Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words.     
St Francis of Assisi

The days are rolling along quite nicely.  I am doing fine.  Missing my family, but hanging in. I have come to the conclusion that time alone is completely overrated.  It is totally something that I do not need in my life.  My own company is totally boring. I'll take my loud, crazy, busy life at home any day.

How blessed I am with these who He has blessed me with.

catching up

It's a sad day in the adoption community.  When a program as large as Russia suspends all adoptions, oh my goodness, there are no words. My heart aches for the families...and the thousands of children who wait in that country. This is so horrible. So many lives are going to be affected. The whole situation is completely outrageous. Oh Lord Jesus.

As this announcement sends shockwaves through the adoption community, many are wondering what will happen with this country I'm in. How will they respond, if at all? I have no idea.  Obviously I'm concerned as I sit here waiting for my court date only at the end of next week.  I know, and have seen, that anything is possible here.  So we pray...and we wait!

Holding onto the One who is more than able.

As my third week away from my family winds down, I am starting to feel very lonely here. I have not seen or heard one other American since I have been here. I am the ONLY American at the orphanage...no other families are there to adopt a child. How I wish that were not the truth. I wish I saw many families visiting with their children each day, but sadly, it's only me.

It's crazy the things we do when we're all alone.  I took a two hour NAP.  Seriously.  A NAP.  I never take naps.  Ever. Not even before kids. I walked into the apartment after visiting my angels and my eyes could not stay open.  I was so tired just from dealing with all the emotions.  I fell on the bed and was lights out for two hours.  My hubby didn't believe me.  I woke up and had an insane craving for any American food.  So I went to McDonalds!  Yep, I did.  Not my favorite place at all. My kids were shocked.  And, I didn't even have a salad.  Uh-uh...french fries. Large french fries. I ate every single one of them.  So good!  I don't eat meat at all, so a hamburger was out of the question. But the fries were fabulous--with copious amounts of ketchup.

I'm taking things one day at a time here.  I heard today that my Interpol police clearance is a done deal, so now I wait for court on April 22.  One week from today.  Please God, let nothing happen between now and then.

I have been able to visit Hailee and Harper every day.  Some days for just a few minutes, others for about an hour. The drive to the orphanage takes about an hour--not because it's particularly far away, but because the roads need some serious help in this country.  They are falling apart. Far worse than any African road I have ever been on.

The weather has been warming up ever so slightly so I take the girlies outside, into the glorious sunshine. They love it.  Hailee is starting to get more used to being in a stroller. Harper loves it. The orphanage staff totally laugh at me--they bundle up girls and hand them to me and I carry one in each arm (with my purse over my shoulder) down two flights of stairs to where the strollers are kept.  They think I'm super mom!  If only they could see me at home with seven.

Visiting the orphanage is hard for me. I see the kids there every single day.  It kills me. There is one eight year old little girl who has decided that I'm pretty darn fine. She laughs when I speak, and then talks back to me as if I understand every word she says. I pay attention to her and she absolutely soaks it in. She is beautiful. I so wish I could have a conversation with her, find out how she is. Such a precious little treasure just waiting, waiting, waiting to be found by someone. I have to fight back the tears every time I look at her sweet face.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Things on the home front are great.  I skype with my family often and they are doing well.  Having the best time with grandparents. They're missing me, but doing fine. Such a huge relief as I sit here so far away.

A  few of you have written to ask me about the drug that Hailee is on. I got the name of it and my hubby asked a doctor.  It is not addictive.  It is an anti-psychotic drug for behavioral issues.  My goodness gracious. The child is an angel.  Go figure. It does it's job in keeping her calm and sedated. Very soon...no more!

I am praying with all my heart that Hailee will be home for her fifth birthday.  May 12 is her special day. What a celebration it will be for her this year. I doubt she has ever had birthday cake--my other kids will show her how it's done. 

Thank you for your amazing encouragement, sweet friends.  It really does mean the world to me as I sit here waiting for time to pass. I appreciate each one of your beautiful comments so much.  Thank you for your support and your prayers.

Love and hugs from the Ukraine.

we almost missed out

Some days I feel like I am part of a really crazy reality show.  You know, the kind of show where cameras follow an adoptive mom around, filming her every move.  Will she hang in?  Will she give up?  Will she walk away from her children? Just how is she going to handle this? Is she loving her children well?  Will the orphanage staff finally start accepting her?

It really is a crazy thing being here. The things I see. The behind the scenes goings-on. Oh my! I feel like I am constantly being watched. Eyes are everywhere.

Just when I think things could not possibly become more crazy, sheesh, something else happens that leaves me thinking, "Oh my goodness, what in the world was that all about."

Yesterday I was visiting my sweet girls.  I told you that we get to hang out together in the one and only vacant room.  They call it the 'zoo room'.  I call it the 'zoo room that seriously needs to be cleaned.'  After the first ten minutes in there I become unaware of the smell. We visit with two ginormous rabbits that can hardly move in their cages, two not-so-lovely rats, a mouse, a turtle, four birds and a dozen or so goldfish.  They tell me it is for the children's 'therapy'.

Anyway.

So there I am playing on the floor with my sweethearts, when all of a sudden the door opens.  A woman comes in, and as she sees me she kind of back tracks a few steps.  She has a shocked look on her face and I sit there wondering what's wrong.  She soon gathers herself and comes into the room.  She drops everything on the floor, and goes straight to Harper.  She picks her up and loves the living dickens out of her. 

Okay then...um, and who might you be? 

I figured she must definitely knows my Harper.  Quite obviously loves her, actually.  She brings her a toy and shoves it in her little face as the thing sings some Russian lullaby. She cannot stop smooching my child's gorgeous cheeks.

I understand, I mean those cheeks are irresistible.

Then, my friends, it starts.  She starts having a full-on conversation with me in Russian.  I tell her I don't understand. "English", I say.  "Me...English".  Dang, that did nothing to help my case. She continues on, pointing at Harper and then at herself and telling me some long story.  Oh my goodness, yes, that's great, but I have no idea what the heck you're saying to me. 

Help...I need help here. I have an idea.  I call Tatianna who is with the chief doctor filling out yet another form the judge has decided he just has to have.  "Tatianna, there is a woman here who is talking to me like we have been friends for life.  Only problem is that I have not understood one word that she has said to me yet.  Could you please come up here and help me out a little?"

My SOS works. Five minutes later I have a translator.  Whew.

It turns out that this lady was at the hospital the day Harper was born.  She is some kind of an advocate for children who either get left at the hospital after their birth, or who end up in orphanages.  She knows, and clearly loves my child.  For the next hour I heard Harper's life story.  I know every orphan has a story, most of the time it is impossible for an adoptive parent to know, but for Harper that has been different.  Sitting before me was a woman who knew every little detail of my angel's life.

I hear about her birth.  I hear about the "stress" after she was born.  I hear about how her family could not look at her sweet little face, she was too "different".  I hear about how the father decided she had to go to the orphanage because is was "too hard for the mother".  I hear about the healthy baby girl they have since had. I hear about how happy they are about that. I hear about how the father so desperately wants his daughter in the orphanage to be adopted.  I hear about how he supports the orphanage financially, and often comes to drop off things, but not once does he stop in to see her.  Not once in over two years.  Yep, I hear it all.

I fight back tears as I listen. It's hard to hear, but I am so thankful that I get a window into my precious daughter's past.  Such a gift from heaven.

We spend a long time chatting, me and this other woman.  She wants to know about my family, my other children and our lives.  I show her my little brag book. She asks a lot of questions as we sit outside. It's a lovely day and I love that my children are getting some sunshine and fresh air.  We walk around the grounds with the girls in strollers, just lovely.

Little did I know what was unseen, lurking in secret places, watching my every move.

Today I found out that Harper's father came with that lady yesterday.  I never saw him.  Or, maybe I did.  He was curious and wanted to see who Harper's mother was.  So he came and watched, from where I have no idea.  Huh?  Seriously?  Oh my goodness.

One thing he knows for sure is where his "Sophia" will be going.  He has seen me! He got details.

He must have got a bit of a shock when he saw me. Remember the woman walked in the door, saw me there and looked seriously surprised? Well, they tell me that I look exactly like Harper's biological mother. Even down to the clothes that I wear.

Pretty. Darn. Wild.

I inquired as to whether he was having second thoughts, and was maybe sad that she would be leaving this country. Was he wanting to see her sweet little face just one last time? Would he like to hold her and savor her sweet smell just once? Just maybe?

"No!"  He was so happy that she would be going to America.

Well, okay then.  A lump rose into my throat and I forced it down. It was more than my heart could bear.

I drove back from the orphanage today thinking about it all.  A thought brought tears to my eyes...we almost missed out of one of God's most precious creations. Just as this father had missed out, so did we almost too. We never set out to adopt Harper.  We knew she was in the orphanage because we had seen her picture. The possibility of adopting two children was there from the start, but it was a huge decision. She would be our seventh child, and we had so many reasons why we should not do it. They all made perfect sense, of course. Trust me, we gave the Lord a list of our pathetic excuses. Over and over again. We're just so stinking human.



Still, the little angel with the blue eyes would not go away.  She was never far from our thougths and prayers.  Ever. Whenever we saw Hailee, we saw Harper with her. Inseparable.

Finally, just before we submitted our dossier for Hailee's adoption, we added Harper.  You can read about it here if you are a newer reader of my blog. We finally surrendered our will, our future, our plans, our dreams, and our fears to the Lord and said, "Yes, we'll bring her home too.  Whatever you want, Father."



Oh my goodness, the thought of almost missing out on this precious gift from the Lord makes me go cold. I shudder to think about what would become of her life had she been left behind. I can't even let my mind go there.  She is just too precious for words. She is a bundle of  absolute love, love, love.  So often I have been told that children with Down syndrome are the most loving kids around. They love like there is no tomorrow. I can totally see that in Harper. This girl is a whole lot of love wrapped up in a tiny, exquisite package.



I am so absolutely thankful today.

Thankful that this angel will never know abandonment ever again. 



Thankful that God knew what was best for our family, even when we had every single excuse under the sun as to why we should not do it.

I hear it so often,"This child will be blessed." "This child is so lucky to have you."  "This child will finally know the love of a family."  "This child's life is about to change."  While all of that is great, I know that the greatest blessing of all is going to be for us, her family."  I know that our lives will never ever be the same again...they will be so much better, so much richer because God decided, before the foundation of the earth, that we NEEDED to adopt this girl too. It is for our GOOD that we bring her home. Oh how I am beginning to see that even now.

Thank you, Father God, for this precious, most amazing little gift. 



Incredible things happen when we say "Yes" to God!  The journey may a little [or a whole lot] daunting or scary...but obedience to God gives Him such an incredible opportunity to open the floodgates of heaven and pour down more precious blessings than our hearts could ever hope or dream of.  One of those blessings for us is sweet Harper.

I went to bed last night thinking about Harper's father and wondering what he was thinking.  I couldn't help but think about all that his family was missing out on in this angelic little girl--her absolute sweetness, her ability to wrap herself around anyone's neck, her love of being held super tightly, her infectious giggle, the precious tongue that she has zero control of, her teeny tiny feet, her little toe that is bent, the way she raises her arms to tell you to pick her up, her curiosity.  I thought about it all, and felt such sadness for their loss.  They will never know the true delight that this special child is.

And then I thanked God that we never missed out!

Counting my blessings tonight. To think that we came so close to missing out on such TREASURE on this earth. Oh my heart.

ups and downs

Today has certainly been one of those days.  You know the ones--where you have probably experienced every emotion ever known to man.  That's me!

First, let me start with the special part about today.  It's my firstborn's birthday.  Eleven years ago today Anthony and I discovered the joy of parenthood.  It was a day that changed our lives forever. Before this boy was born I never knew what a blessing it would be to be called Mom.  He changed everything for me.  He showed me what I wanted to be when I grew up...Mom!

Happy birthday, precious Connor.  There are no words to describe how much I am longing to be with you today.  I love you with a passion.



Whew!

Thank you to ALL of you who prayed for me, and my situation here today. It has been a heck of a day.

Yes, God was faithful (as I knew He would be). Finally everyone seems to be okay with me adopting the girls. It seems that everything is in order and they have given me permission to adopt.  Thank you, Lord Jesus.  Such a huge relief. I cannot even begin to tell you.

While I am rejoicing over the sweet victory, and God's amazing faithfulness, I must confess that I am really fighting discouragement in this place. I am just feeling so weary of the battle. I feel so emotionally drained. There seems to be one obstacle after another. And the journey is still very far from over.

Unfortunately, in light of the recent Russian adoption fiasco, things are clamping down big time here.  I knew it would happen, just maybe not so soon.  The result today is that there will absolutely NOT be any waiver on any waiting period.  Out of the question.  The glimmer of hope that I was given is now completely gone. Nothing I can do about it.

That's one delay, but then there's another...

Last week I was promised a court date this week...today it has been pushed forward to the end of next week.  Tentatively I have been given April 22 as a date to appear in court.  But that date may very well change and become even later.  Unless they receive back my INTERPOL (police) clearance, nothing will happen, and I will have to continue to wait.

As I type this, things are so uncertain.  It really is just a day-by-day thing for me here.  Nothing is etched in stone.  With adoptions in these countries as shakey as they are right now, tomorrow may look vastly different from today. 

I am learning that His grace is sufficient for me.  I am being forced to rely on my Father in heaven when things seem so crazy and messed up. I wish I could just pour out my whole heart, and my experiences, but unfortunately I have to be very careful what I say on a public blog. I cannot put anyone else's adoption in jeopardy. I know you all understand. It's a fine line that I struggle to navigate at times.

I feel like I am dealing with emotional overload. But I am constantly reminding myself that He is more than able to carry my burdens and the things on my heart tonight.

A few of you have written to ask me why I am here alone. Sorry, I forget that newer readers may be in the dark.  The very short version of it is that when we found Hailee last summer we learned very quickly that we could not adopt her the normal way, with a husband and wife doing it jointly. The Ukraine has a very strict policy regarding there ONLY being 45 years between the parent and the child.  That disqualified us as a married couple as Anthony was over the age limit. We were told that there was a loophole and I would be able to adopt her as a 'single person with consent from my husband'.  Great idea, but I was not an American citizen and could not do the necessary paperwork to get her back into the USA.  So, in a drastic hurry we completed the process for me to become a citizen, and then began the adoption paperwork.  That is the only reason why I am allowed to be here without Anthony--the Ukraine does not even look at him as part of the adoption.  It's a crazy thing, but it has allowed us to adopt TWO little girls.

Okay, changing gears to some girly news.

You know how I have posted a few times about the fact that Hailee is always dressed in either blue or green? I never really thought twice about it, I just assumed that no-one cared enough to dress a girl in pink. It seemed that the onesies that she was always in were just what they had available. 

Then I read a few comments about some concerned bloggy friends wondering if Hailee was, indeed, a girl.  I chuckled when I read them because I had never thought twice about it.  While my hubby and I chatted one night he said, "Honey, did you read the comments about Hailee?  Have you had a peek to make sure that she IS a girl?"

Um, no, actually I had not had any peek yet.

The next morning I asked my facilitator whether "Violetta" (her Ukrainian name) could be a boys name in the Ukraine.  She totally laughed at me.  As we drove out to the orphanage I sat in the backseat thinking of all the boys names that I loved---just in case.  As many of you know very well, with adoptions anything is possible.

We arrived at the orphanage and Tatianna (my facilitator) told the caretakers that Adeye's husband thinks that Violetta may just be a boy because she is always in boy colors in the photos she sends him.  They thought it was too funny.

Before I know it, the blue onesie is being whipped off, she gets changed--and they present me with my very own pink bunny....



Aaahhhhh...so much better!



Too darn cute for words.

But never fear, the blue is never too far away. 



Oh, and yes, I did still just take a little peek...just to be extra sure.

I absolutely adore these two precious angels.

The little yellow hat is there for a reason.  Hailee has a habit of scratching the back of her ear.  It is raw behind there.  The hat stops her from scratching. At least it's girly I say.



LOVE the look on Harper's face as she checks out her sister.  "Um, are you sure she has to come home with us too?"



"Really? She's my sister?"



"Yep, I'm your sis, can't you see how much I love you?"



There truly are no words to describe how adorable these two are.  They melt my heart. They truly do make every up and down of this journey so absolutely worth it. Every moment I spend with them reminds me that there is always a cost to obedience.  It is never easy doing the things God calls us to do. But oh my goodness, the prize when I finally reach the end is going to be simply glorious.

Pressing on toward the finish line--and praising the Almighty Father for a sweet victory today. Faithful God!

urgent prayer request

Hi everyone,

Things continue to move painfully slowly here in the Ukraine.  Tomorrow is a pivotal day in our adoption process.  The Chief Judge has called a meeting with me.  He has some 'concerns' and would like to speak with me about them. As most of you know, I am adopting Hailee and Harper as a single person (due to Anthony being over their age requirement).  My hubby is completely out of  the equation, according to Ukrainian law.  It's a crazy thing because I am not a single person, but it was the only way we could adopt the girls, so we went for it.

Their 'concerns' are due to the fact that I am 'single', and already have 5 other kiddos at home...on and on and on.  They just don't get me at all.  And that's okay...tomorrow they will! I am prepared to answer anything and everything they ever needed to know.

Would you please pray with me?  Pray that God would soften hearts, and give me the words to say.  Pray that they would see my heart, and the love that I have for these two girls.  And, maybe even that God would still move on the Judge's heart to grant me the ten day waititng period waiver.  I know He can do it. Also, that the Judge would give me a court date this week.

Our entire adoption is in the hands of this one man.  He alone will decide if I am fit to parent these children.

The Chief Administrator for Adoptions and the Notary (a key person in Ukrainian adoptions) have also been invited to come to the meeting, and ask me their questions too. 

It's turning out to be quite a ride.  I'm okay with it--trusting God with everything that is within me. I'm ready for the Father to part the waters!

Thank you so very much for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Firmly in His grip!

reflections of a new dad

I’m not supposed to envy. But every time I’m in Chuck E. Cheese with the troops, I wonder how other parents can press that big red button at exactly the right time for the light to stop on the bonus sign, winning them a thousand tickets. I end up at skeet bowling, winning two here, five there.

Well, after watching the videos yesterday of my new daughters, I felt like I finally hit the jackpot. I felt that way with all of my children, that’s for sure. But this time, I felt a range of emotions I hadn’t before.

I cannot wait to hold those little ones in my arms to say, Welcome home! Home is where my arms are. Home is ANYWHERE but where they are now. Home is where two adults, five children, and one Savior will love the heck out of them for the rest of their living days.

Hope is not ethereal. Hope is not intangible. It is not a word to describe some future state of happiness a country can enter into. Hope is the very real, tangible dream placed in us by God, and faith is the vehicle to bring it to pass. Or as it says in Hebrews 11:1—“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Faith is evidence!

Adeye and I had a hope to save these two girls’ lives. Impossible task. Where are we going to get $34,000 to make it work? Faith was the bridge that took us to that hope.

Oh my gosh, we are NOT EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE! I want to say that again and again. I shirk when people tell us that, because it blows up that bridge of faith that we need to get there. It translates as, “Because I’m extraordinary, this worked and will work for the rest of our lives.” But listen, it’s equally dangerous to say, “God made us extraordinary. Therefore, we are doing this. It’s by His grace.”

All of that may sound good, may sound spiritual. But it treads on perilous ground. It provides scores of people with an excuse not to step out in the things of God. It ever points to other people who God has sovereignly touched with “the grace.” It says, Unless I really get an epiphany of Jesus, I’m not doing it.

I used to live in that realm. I’m STILL tempted to live there. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. It’s not scary in the least.

Men, can we talk? As a man, terror—not fear—would enter my heart everytime my wife had “that look” on her face. You know the one. It shouts, “I need to talk to you about something I think God is telling us.” As a man of God, I have a responsibility, darn it! First of all, God speaks through ME, not her! I’M the spiritual head. And as such, I have the great and ominous responsibility to be…duh, duh-duh-DUH!...”THE GREAT PROVIDER.” And besides, I’m too old for anything except to relax. I need my peace and quiet so that I can be a productive father for my family…(long pause)…DARN IT!

Men, there is a fine line between being a “responsible” head of the household and dying to myself. It’s the world that tells me the things in the prior paragraph. I need money. I need youth. I need my time. I need the grace of God! Ooooh, that last one. What heresy!

For me, I needed a good kick in the pants to be the man of God that the Lord expects me to be for my family—and that’s one who takes chances and dies to himself. THEN the grace of God kicks in. Once I entered the world of the ridiculous (ridiculous faith, ridiculous decisions, ridiculous abandonment of my own way of thinking), freedom and grace took over. God worked. I stepped out of my box of what I thought it meant to be a good dad and good husband, and I made a simple (but HARD) decision. But even in that, there can’t be any pride. Why? Because I KNOW I’m a dweeb. Neither I nor my wife are extraordinary.

Adeye and I continually see ourselves as “the least and the greatest.” We are Gideon—the least man in his clan, the least clan in his tribe. We are Paul—the greatest sinner. Honestly, believe it or not, the most extraordinary thing we ever did was to say, “Here am I, Lord. Send me!”

I’m wondering if someone reading this post is being nudged by the Holy Spirit right now. I’m wondering, as I’m caving in my emotions now, who it is whom God is selecting to be the next Gideon and Paul. I’m wondering who out there is being stirred to speak to their spouse and say, “Money is not going to provide for us to rescue this child. GOD is!” Or to say, “I’m going to stop saying we can’t ‘handle’ a child like this. Rather, ‘God, do you want to handle this child through us?’”

You saving one orphan out of 147 million is worth to Jesus what those two mites were worth that the widow put into the offering basket. You will have “put in more than all.”

There is a child out there somewhere looking for your arms. Looking for “home.” Is God asking you to open them up?

tough decisions

There are times when things just don't go the way we would so dearly love them too.

There are times when the answer we get from heaven is so not the one we were hoping to get.

Today has been one of those days for me.

Oh how desperately we were praying for a waiver on the ten day waiting period after court here in the Ukraine. 

We prayed.  Many others prayed.

Still....the judge said no way!

He will not waiver it.

Today has been one of those days.  The kind when I know without any doubt that my God is in control.  The kind when I am reminded all day long that nothing takes my God by surprise...and neither did this.  He allowed it to happen.  The process to complete Hailee and Harper's adoption is going to take longer.

And I HAVE to be okay with that.  I cannot doubt my God.  I cannot doubt the fact that I KNOW nothing gets to me without first passing through the hands of my Almighty Father.

He is in control.  He knows and understands things that I cannot see in the flesh. 

The whole adoption process is already taking longer than we anticipated. Things are moving incredibly slowly in this region. Today we faced further obstacles that I wondered if we would find a way around--but we did. I have yet to even be given a court date.  Today I was told maybe next week, or even the week after.

There is no way I will be home before May.  And so we're trying to make some tough decisions, me and my dear hubby.  Do I stay here after court and wait things out, or do I go home for a short while and then return.

It's a heartbreaking decision. We're moving in May--there is so much that needs to be done at home. My family misses me. But I have two angels here too. Oh my heart.  I feel so terribly torn tonight. We're praying for clear direction from the Father.  I know He'll show us the way.

I just know He will. He is so good to me.  Even when I don't understand...He is GOOD.

One sweet bundle of love came to me with shoes on today.  The caretakers made her look all pretty for Mommy. She hated the shoes, they lasted all of five minutes before they ended up in her mouth.



This little love had a good time with me today. She seemed more alert, and less tired than she has been. Perhaps she is feeling more comfortable with me now. She is a teeny, tiny, bundle of pure joy.



Oh my goodness, she loves to giggle.  She thinks the silliest things are too funny. Melts my heart.

I cannot wait to put some pink on this girl.  She is always dressed in blue and green.



That bump on her little head--it will go away soon.  She bangs her head on the crib, probably out of boredom, or frustration. How I adore this precious angel girl.



Haper has a cold.  Poor little lovey. Her eyes are watery and her nose runny.



But that sure does not stop the little koala bear from wrapping herself around any available neck.  Tatianna (my facilitator) loved the cuddles. Can't you tell?



And when Tatianna had had her cuddles, sister was next in line for some Harper love.

She can't help herself, she just has to be a cuddle bug.



Our pretty little girl. She is such a gift to our family.



Even with a cold she is completely edible.



She loves so smile.  And when she does, I just can't help but smile with her.



Yes, my heart is torn in two tonight, friends. Tough decisions need to be made in the next day or so.

Sometimes things just do not go as we had planned...but the Lord Jesus is still alive and well and more than able to see us through.  My Dad reminded me to look back and remind myself how incredible God has been on this adoption journey.  He is so right. I can truly look forward with hope in my heart, knowing that He has not abandoned us, and will see things through to completion.

This is a journey that continues to stretch my faith and force me to press into my God with everything that is within me.

He does ALL THINGS well! 

Thank you for journeying with me, sweet friends.  Your love and encouragement has truly meant the absolute world to me.  Your comments touch my heart so deeply, each one is so special and treasured. I am so grateful.

Q and A

How am I doing?

You know, I honestly feel like I am being carried on the wings of eagles.  As horribly as I am missing my family back home, I am doing okay here on my own.  The Lord is truly helping me to stay focused on the things I need to get done here so that I can go home asap.

The hardest part is the loneliness.  I am so used to a loud, crazy house all day long.  I am so not loving the silence of being alone.  I'll take a loud house any day...it is so much more fun than an empty apartment.

I am also doing so much better with finding healthy stuff to eat.  I even found some tomato sauce in a jar and some pasta.  I'm good to go.  Yes, for all of you who mentioned the yummy dairy here, you are so right.  I am not such a fan of dairy, but this country sure does make excellent yogurt.  Oh my goodness, and their white chocolate is to die for (not really).  Chocolate is dairy too, right?  And they make the best feta cheese I have ever had. 

The Father continues to take such amazing care of me. I'm taking one day at a time and trusting Him in all things.

Is Anthony coming to join me?

Yes!  We're just waiting to find out about whether the judge will waiver my ten day waiting period, or not.  Once we know, it will give us a clearer idea of how much longer I will need to be here.  Then we'll book Anthony's ticket. He will just come to help me fly home with the girls. I miss my husband something ridiculous. This is the longest we have ever been apart, it is no fun at all.

How are my children at home doing?

Remarkably well, actually.  They have astounded me. My Dad and Beth keep them really busy during the day, so I guess they don't have too much time to miss Mommy.  We Skype, which really helps too.  Praise the Lord for Skype. Even my sweet little five year old seems to doing just fine in my absence.

God is taking care of every care and concern of my heart.  He's so good that way.

Why does it seem that Harper has done so much better than Hailee in the orphanage?

Well, she has.  So very much better. I am certainly no expert on these things, so I don't really fully understand why.  Harper is also very tiny, but nowhere near as small as Hailee is for her age.  I just found out today that Hailee weighs 7.5 kilograms. What's that...about sixteen or seventeen pounds? At almost five years old!  My guess is that Harper weighs just over 20 pounds, but she's only two.

What I can tell you, just from observation during my visits, is that Harper does seem to get a lot more stimulation than Hailee.  They are in seperate rooms.  Harper is with the 'typically developing' two and three year olds.  Hailee, on the other hand, is in a very small room.  There are only five other children with her.  It is the room for the children with severe special needs, those who are unable to walk or perhaps even sit up. Being in a crib all day is, very sadly, the only life they know.

I really do not know at what point in her life Hailee ended up in that room.  I guess we will never know when she stopped developing like the other children around her.  It is impossible to know her history. 

Harper, on the other hand, seems to have done pretty well developmentally. She is a cuddle bug of note. She's smart and very determined. 

How is Hailee's development?

Not good at all.  She is extremely delayed.  I was wrong when I originally posted that she is unable to sit.  She can.  But, she cannot sit for long.  She sits for a short time, and then rolls over onto her back again.  She seems to tire very easily.  She cannot put much weight on her legs, they just give in underneath her. She can get up onto her knees, but then just rocks back and forth. She is definitely most comfortable on her back.

Many of you who have journeyed with me for a while here on my blog know that our Haven also has some profound special needs.  We adopted Haven eighteen months ago from China. She is nine years old.  You can read her story on my sidebar.  She was adopted before us, but the family disrputed (ended the adoption).  When we committed to adopt Haven, we obviously knew her story, the fact that she was non-verbal, the delays, the behaviors she displayed etc.  We were told that she was Autistic.  We were never convinced, and I set out to educate myself as much as possible about children in institutions and the things that can go 'wrong'.  I read and read to try and gain as much understanding as I could about kids growing up in orphanages.  I wanted to be prepared to parent Haven, and I looked for other things that could possibly have been reasons that would explain why she was so delayed.

I tell you that because I have noticed a few things about Hailee over the last few days.  Yes, she does have Down syndrome, and that absolutely does account for some of her delays and behaviors.  But I am feeling like there is more.  We're talking about an almost five year old child who pretty much lies on her back and stares at the ceiling all day.  Anyone would go a bit crazy, wouldn't you think?  She definitely seems to have learned to deal with life by developing certain coping strategies.  A lot of what I see her do reminds me of all the things I have read about children who have Institutional Autism.  Rocking back and forth, moaning and grunting sounds, clicking sounds, very small stature, scratching herself out of habit (behind her ears are raw from scratching), twitching movements, lack of eye contact.  I could be wrong, but that is just my gut feel and Mommy instict right now.  I think that sweet Hailee does a lot of what she does just as a means of coping with what life has dealt her.

We have also not ruled out the possibility of Cerebral Palsy together with her Down syndrome.  There is no way of knowing until we get her home.

And then, of course, there is the fact that she is on a very strong drug.  Yesterday I was told that she is not on a sleeping medication like I was originally told.  Hailee is on a tranquilizer.  Oh my heart.

One of the things Hailee does a lot is rock, it seems to be very soothing to her. I brought this toy for her to play with and she loves to bite on it. She rocks, and bites, at the same time.  She seems to find things that she can suck on. Anything that brings comfort. She is just so darling. How can she possibly be five next month?



Do they both have heart conditions?

Yes, Both Hailee and Harper have heart defects.  I have no idea how bad it is, we'll have to get them checked out at home.

Has Hailee smiled yet?

YES...today for the first time.  I cried such happy tears.  I was bouncing her around on my knee and she thought it was the funniest thing ever!  Such pure joy.

How old is Harper?

She turned two last November.

Will Hailee need 24 hour care?

Um, probably, but so do all my other kiddos, so I guess it's not going to make things that much more difficult. Being a mother is a 24 hour job, no matter what their needs are.

How do our children at home feel about Hailee and Harper coming home, and how is it going to affect them?

LOVED this question, we get asked it a lot.

Bringing Hailee and Harper into my children's lives is the best thing that could ever happen to them!  Really.

The seed of adoption is already so firmly planted in their hearts, so that's a non-issue.  But for all the rest, oh my goodness, these two girls are going to teach my children so very much.  They are going to learn to love even more unconditionally.  They are going to learn to give even more of themselves (even when they don't feel like it). They are going to learn even more patience.  They are going to learn what it means to sacrifice.  They are going to learn how to give, and give some more. They are going to learn the art of serving, right in their own home.  They are going to learn the true value of little angels who are so different to them.  They are going to learn what it means to be their sister's biggest advocates and biggest cheerleaders.

These two little girls are going to help build my children's character.  They will help them to become better young women and young men some day.  Their hearts are about to be touched so deeply by two of God most precious angels.

Yep, my children are going to continue to learn, learn, learn....just as their parents are.

It's a beautiful journey to become more like Jesus for every single one of us in our family. There are no negatives to us adopting Hailee and Harper.  Not one.

Did Hailee's extreme delays take me by surprise?

No, not in the least.  We have always known in our hearts that she would be very far behind Harper in development.  The Lord prepared our hearts for that a long time ago. Nothing of what I see surprises me at all.

In the Ukraine, special needs children live in a baby house until they are about 4-5 years old.  Around that time they are transferred to a mental institution. When we found Hailee, we were absolutely positive that if that were to happen, she would not survive.  There is no way that she could survive that life. She does not have the strength.  I have been told that 95% of children with Down syndrome die in these mental asylums. Hailee would become part of that statistic. No doubt in my mind.

We knew that she had to be rescued before it was too late! No matter what was 'wrong' with her.  No matter how hard the journey may become.  No matter what lies ahead.  She had to be rescued.

And that's why I'm here...simply because God said GO!

When will I be able to bring the girls back to the apartment with me? 

As soon as court is over and the adoption is official. Oh how my heart is longing for that day.

Do Hailee and Harper know each other in the orphanage?

No, I would be very surprised if they ever laid eyes on each other before I got here--even though they live in rooms opposite each other.

I thought that with the Ukraine you only got referred your child once you were in the country?

I believe that is true if you adopt a healthy child.  Many adoption agencies and ministries in America advocate for children in this country who have special needs.  You get matched with your child in the USA. 

Am I afraid that the orphanage will give a 'bad report' to the judge about me?

No, that does not bother me at all.  If there is one thing I know that I know, it is that the woman in that place SEE the love that I have for my children. As soon as I walk in I hear "Mama", and they give me big smiles (well, most of them do).  They have finally stopped asking me on a daily basis if I am sure that I want them, and if I know what is wrong with them. 

They know that Hailee and Harper will be loved and cherished beyond description.

Where are you staying right now? It is the same place as the beginning of your journey? Does the orphanage use cloth or disposable diapers? How often are the babies bathed? What kinds of food do Hailee and Harper eat? Can they feed themselves? Does either one crawl/walk/attempt to do these things? Do they get their teeth brushed daily? Are the orphanage people warming up to you now a little bit? Do they cringe when you take lots of photos?

~~~  I'm staying in an apartment in the center of the city.

~~~ Yes, I've been in the same place since I got to Kharkiv.

~~~ I've noticed that the orphanage uses a combination of cloth and disposables.

~~~ I think they only get sponged down, never put in a bath tub. I haven't even seen a bath tub at the orphanage.

~~~ They only feed them soup, porridge and juice. Not much variety.  I took some snacks with me to see if the girls would eat them.  No.  Neither girl knows how to chew solid food [yet].

~~~ Harper can definitely crawl.  She can stand with help.  I have a feeling she will be walking very soon after coming home.

~~~ No, I doubt they have ever had their teeth brushed.

~~~ No, they don't seem to mind if I take pictures.

Sweet Harper trying to eat her cookie. She loved it, but spat it out as she was eating it. She had no idea how to keep it in her mouth.  She'll get it soon enough. Oh my goodness, she is such a little angel girl. I can tell you something now--this sweetie is going to have every family member wrapped around her little finger.  Yep, I can tell.



How do you pronounce my name?

Last year I gave a clarification post on the pronounciation of my name here on my blog.  You can watch the little video my family made right here.

I know, I know, my mother had a crazy idea when she named me.

~~~~~~~

Today was such a sweet day.  Oh to see Hailee smile, no, she actually giggled, was just incredible.  I have been wondering how much she feels emotionally.  It is so hard to tell with a child as delayed as what she is.  Today I saw HOPE!  She absolutely loved being bounced around and played with.  She was actually being a little silly. Tears flowed like rivers. 

HOPE! Such a beautiful word. Something that every single child deserves.

My heart is full to overflowing tonight.

sweet sisters

I am so desperately in love with these sisters.

Be still my beating heart.



Working on a post that answers all your questions.  It's taking me a while. I'm hoping to be finished later.

Love and hugs to all of you, from me and my beautiful angels here in the Ukraine.

the sun came out

I hope you all had a very blessed Easter with your families. 

Mine was good.  Lonely, but I made the most of the day alone. I miss my family something awful. But I remind myself constantly that each day that passes gets me one day closer to being home--as one big happy family. Oh my gosh, yes, we will be a big family. I read somewhere recently that when you have seven children, you're considered a mega family.  Yikes. I never imagined.

Going to the grocery store is still quite the little adventure for me here.  I am having some serious issues with food. I'm a vegetarian.  Have been for well over twenty years.  It's just the way it is with me.  I don't like eating animals. Nothing against it, just don't like it. I am convinced that everything in this place has meat in it.  Everything.  They love all the things I hate--dried meats hanging everywhere that remind me of the smell in Chinese markets, fish with their faces on, fish tanks filled to overflowing with the next meal.  All the things that are so not on my nice list.

I'm totally struggling to find things to eat.  Last night, in absolute desperation for a salad, I bought a cabbage (the closest thing to a lettuce I could find), a few radishes, and a tomato, and made that my salad.  Could not find any salad dressing anywhere, so some red vinegar did the trick.  It was heaven on earth. Never in my life have I enjoyed a salad more.

So while I walk around the grocery store searching for something to eat, I notice that there is not an Easter egg in sight.  Nothing.  No chocolate bunnies or colorful marshmallow anythings in sight.  I think that's odd.  What I do see are these strange rectangular cake-thingys in the bread section.  Looks like bread, but has frosting on top, and sprinkles.  I have no idea what they are. I squish it and it's kind of hard. I'm curious, but don't really have any desire to try it.

Valentine [pronounced 'teen' at the end] and Tatianna come and pick me up so that I can visit my sweet children.  She leans over and hands me something she made just for me. "Easter cake", she tells me.



Oh, now I know what that is.  The things I've been seeing are the Ukrainian version of our Easter eggs.  They have cake for Easter.  I never would have known.

It probably has meat in it somewhere.  I know it does.  Everything does here {grin}.

Today is a stunning day and I ask the caretakers if I can please take my girlies outside for a walk.

They send a messenger to ask the chief doctor.  He says yes, only for thirty minutes though. 

Great--I'll take it.

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious. I should have seen it coming....

The caretakers spring into action. The clothes get whipped off.  Socks get put on underneath the onesies.  Booties get put on over the onesies.  A sweater goes on top.  A hat. Gloves. And, wait for it, wait for it.....a SNOWSUIT!

Yep, I kid you not. On a sixty degree day.  They were so bundled up they could not move.  They were both stiff to the point of feeling suffocated, I'm sure.

I lean over and tell Tatianna that if my kids at home have a sixty degree day, they wear shorts and tee shirts and no shoes.  The 'no shoes' bit just about did her in.  Lord forbid children don't put something on their feet.  Terrible mothering, I know.

I absolutely cannot wait to let Hailee and Harper's feet feel dirt. They'll get a few lessons in bare feet from my little African children.

Harper's little snowsuit just happened to come off once we were outside. Even without it, she was still bundled up to her eyeballs.

It was so glorious.  Being outside, in the sunshine, with my treasures.  Poor babies, they struggled to open their eyes.  I know that they do bring Harper outside from time to time, but I wonder if Hailee has ever had the warm sun on her face.  I seriously doubt it.

How adorable are these two with their little tongues sticking out?  I'm thinking maybe I should join in next time.



Your chariot awaits, sweet princess.



Bundled stiff in Mommy's arms. By this time she was starting to sweat profusely, poor darling.



I was so happy to see that some of the other children had been taken outside too.



This orphanage is home to over 100 children.  Some of them can be adopted, some cannot.  Many of them have parents who have not relinquished their parental rights. Their future is so uncertain. 

It absolutely breaks my heart.  This is one very hard part about adopting from this country.  To see these little faces every single day, and know that I cannot take them with me, really kills me.  I weep for them.  I long to get them all out. But I can't. I pray that someone will come and adopt them.  Please, God. They don't deserve this. No child does.



Me and my angels walk around the orphanage grounds.  We have a sweet time together.  Harper is so content to sit in the stroller, and Hailee I carry in my sling.

This building has been their home.  It is all they know.



We walk around and I take in the sights and smells of their home village.  I never want to forget.



I never want to forget where they have come from.



I never want to forget what their first home looked like.



It won't be home for much longer.  In a few days they will finally say goodbye to all this.

Forever.

I can hardly wait for that day.



It has been so amazing getting to know Hailee and Harper over the last few days. We have had sweet moments together, just the three of us. I have been able [via my facilitator] to find out about their histories, their birth families, and a bunch of other stuff too.  Some of what they have told me has left me speechless.  Most of the time I just cry.  I'm sure that they call me "the Mama who cries a lot."

They all think I'm nuts.  The caretakers, the doctors, the whole lot of them.  Not a day goes by when we do not walk into that building and get asked, "Is she sure she wants to adopt both these children?" or "Why does she want these two children?"  Tatianna just rolls her eyes at them now. She is starting to undertsand me. The others don't get me at all.  They just don't undertsand how a woman from America can come and adopt TWO of these children--the children no one wants in this country. The children who's parents could not even look them in the faces when they were born. The children who were brought to the orphanage when they were just a few hours old so that no one had to see their uniqueness.

They don't understand how anyone would choose to have them.

How terribly sad that they don't understand the father heart of God for these special children.

But they're seeing.  They're seeing what love looks like.  They're seeing me love on my children who smell bad and are so desperately in need of a good bath. They're seeing me kiss and cuddle them like they have never been touched before.  They're seeing the love an adoptive mother has for her children--just the way they are.

And while they're seeing, I'm praying that God would soften their hearts for the children in their care, the children who have no one besides them in this life.

I'm praying with all my heart.

~~~~~~

Today has been a public holiday here. Everything is closed. Tomorrow we can finally get the paperwork started.  I have to go to court and write a statement for the judge, telling him why I want to adopt these children. That will start the whole adoption process in this region.  I should get a court date early next week.  My husband and I are still asking the Lord for a waiver on the ten day waiting period after court.  Everyone here tells me it is impossible.

But they don't know my God!

~~~~~~

So many of you have written to ask me how I am doing with everything.  How am I feeling about Hailee and Harper and their needs?  Am I afraid?  Nervous to parent them? What about our other children? How are the girls and what is their development like? Is Hailee going to need 24 hour care? How is Anthony about everything? When is he coming here? How am I doing away from my family?

So many questions.  I appreciate them all so very much.  Tomorrow I'll answer them.  If there is anything else you're wondering, or are curious about, just leave it in the comments and I'll be sure to answer it too.  Nothing is too personal or crazy. I'll answer as best I can.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.  I am so thankful today that He is RISEN.