confessions

Of a mom, a wife, and a daughter of the most High God who absolutely does not have it all together all the time.

~~~  After ending up in the ER, my dear hubby got admitted into hospital this week. I lay in our bed that night thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong. I imagined my life without the love of my life. Fear consumed me.

Then I remembered that we serve the one and only HEALER we will ever need.

~~~ On days like today I wonder where provision will come from.

Then I remember that my God has NEVER let us down.  Ever! His provision never runs dry.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

~~~  Some days I feel so inadequate to do the things the Lord has called me to do in this life.

Then I remember that He equips me with everything I need to fulfill the calling on my life.

~~~  Some days I'm concerned about what tomorrow will bring.

Then I remember that my Father is already there, and that He commands me NOT to worry about tomorrow.

~~~  When I see my family overseas on Skype, I ache to be with them.

Then I remember how faithful God has been to me over the nine years that I have been away from my family--He has always ensured that I have seen them regularly.

~~~  When I close my eyes and see the ones I left behind in my daughters orphanage, I fight back the tears. My heart cannot comprehend the injustice of it all.

Then God reminds me that He holds them in the palm of His hand.

~~~  Recently I've been feeling so weary from the craziness of life over the last few months.  I feel like I need some time to do as little as possible.

Then I remember that my God is Faithful and True--He WILL restore my energy and give me everything I need to run this race with perseverance.

~~~  Today I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

Then I remembered that the burden is HIS, not mine, and that He absolutely CAN carry every care and concern of my heart on His shoulders.

~~~  I look at my new home and wonder if I will ever be able to get it looking the way I want it to. I have never moved into a new home with seven children--it is taking so much longer to get organized.

Then I remember to take one day at a time, I have a lifetime to get organized.

~~~  My time with the Lord feels so inadeqaute and I am struggling to get back into a normal routine...I know He misses His time with me.

Then I remember that the God I serve is full of grace and mercy.

~~~  With a new school year fast approaching, I really should start planning curriculum--but just don't find the time to sit down and work on it. It's a burden.

Then I remember that the Lord will lead and guide me in this too.

~~~  Today I wanted a lot of different things.  I wanted.  I needed.  I just had to have.  So many different things.

Then I remembered that....

The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall NOT want!

 
~~~  When the road just feels hard, God gently reminds me that...

It was never meant to be easy.

our silent blessing

Blessings come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some are large, others small. Some are financial, others the kindness shown by someone who cares. Blessings are God's way of showing His love.

Our family has been blessed. Without a doubt. Over the years God has changed us from the inside out. The things that used to be important to us--big homes, nice cars, fancy vacations, well...they just don't matter anymore. The Lord has turned our hearts toward home--toward the place where He has showered more blessings upon us than we could ever have hoped or imagined ten years ago.

Those blessings have come through opening our hearts to adoption.

When I recently asked if any of you had any questions you would like me to answer, many asked me to share about Haven. I have shared our journey with Haven often here on my blog, but because so many asked, I am happy to give my perspective on raising a child who is non-verbal.



It is hard for me to believe that sweet Haven has been home for twenty months already. Where in the world does time go? She is fast approaching her tenth birthday. We adopted Haven after her first adoption was unsuccessful. She was only with her first family for five days and never left Chinese soil. Haven waited for a family for three years. That's a long time on a waiting child list.

I so clearly remember the first time I ever saw a photo of her. As I looked at her angelic face, all I saw was blessing. A call to the adoption agency to find out more about her broke my heart in two. "Profoundly delayed", "autistic", "non-verbal", mentally ill", "small for her age", "attachment issues" were what I was told. I heard her heartbreaking story and wept for her that day.



The face that stared at me from my computer screen said nothing but blessing. The labels--they didn't matter at all. Anthony and I knew that there was something so special about this little girl. We knew she had to be rescued. We felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit telling us to get out of our comfortable little boat and walk where we had never dared to go--into the world of adopting a child from a disrupted adoption.

To say that I was terrified is an understatement. Goodness gracious, on the morning of our gotcha day I was a mess. I wondered if we were about to do the craziest thing we had ever done in our lives.

We were. Life for our family was about to change. But not in any way I had feared. No, life was about to become better. Richer. More meaningful. More beautiful. More complete.

All because of one little girl who so desperately needed us to come and get her. A little girl who needed a "safe and sheltered place" as her name means.



Haven has come so very far in her twenty months home. We adopted her just a month before her eighth birthday. It was more like adopting a one year old. She could not change her clothes, eat from a spoon, use the potty, or do any simple things a toddler can do. She was so fearful of everything. If she sensed danger she would cower away in a corner, with her hands up at her face as if to protect herself. It was pathetic. She was so desperately delayed. But we understood why. The little girl who was locked away in a room, away from most of the people in the orphanage because they were afraid to "catch" what she had (non-verbal, delays etc)--had never been given an opportunity to learn and grow. How could she possibly be anything but delayed?

We understood completely. Haven was going to have to learn...slowly. Indescribable physical abuse not only left her with physical scars, but deep, deep emotional scars too. Safety would be the place to begin on the road to Haven's healing. She did not trust people.  They abandoned her and let her down. They hurt her physically and emotionally. Getting her to feel safe with us was our top priority. School could wait. Therapy could wait. She needed to feel safe before anything else could happen.

Slowly but very surely Haven began to feel safe. She began to come out of her shell, and as she did, we saw the sweetest personality emerge. She began to learn many new things,  most of them faster than we could ever have hoped for. She started to blossom like a flower in the springtime. It was a beautiful thing.

She felt safe! Her healing had begun.



Today Haven is doing well. She still does not speak. Nobody has been able to give us an accurate diagnosis. It could be PTSD. It could be Apraxia. The only thing we are positive of is that it is NOT Autism. The diagnosis in China was hopelessly incorrect, which we knew just from looking at her referral pictures. Haven is learning and growing, but it has to be at her pace, not ours. We take things ever so slowly with her. Home is her safe place--it is where she does best. Public school is not an option for her--she feels threatened and afraid when there is chaos or if she is picked on or bullied. We do everything possible to shelter her and keep her feeling safe.

Has it been easy? No, not all the time. But it really has not been nearly as difficult as we thought it was going to be. There is such truth in God's Word. When He promises to NEVER give us more than we can handle, He sure does mean it. Raising Haven has been nothing but a joy for us. She will not use sign language, but she communicates with us in her own way. We have learned how to meet her needs. Haven is happy, content, smart, and an absolute blessing to our family. She learns new things daily. She is eager to learn and tries hard. We cannot imagine our lives without her.



Some of you asked me how having a child who is non-verbal has affected our family. I can honestly say that the negatives have been so few and far between that I cannot even remember them. Our children are all amazing with Haven. I don't think they can even recall what it was like when she was not a part of our family. God just works it all out when we're obedient to answer the call on our lives.

Will Haven find her voice some day? We're hopeful that she will learn to use words. But you know, even if she never does it's quite okay with us. We honestly don't get hung up on whether she will, or will not, find her voice. It is just a non-issue around here. Obviously we pray that she will, and we will continue to give her every possible therapy to help her learn how to speak, but if Haven never speaks, it's perfectly fine. We have no expectations. We love and cherish her just the way she is. Who needs words anyway?  Some days I look at her and I wish that I too would speak less...and listen more.  I am learning so much from my daughter.



We are so blessed to have Haven in our family.  When I consider what would have happened to her if she had remained in an orphanage, I go cold. I cannot even go there.  With all the "mentally ill" labels that she was cursed with, her future would have been bleak. She would literally have had no hope in a country where people with "needs" have no worth or value.  Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine.

What I have learned through adopting Haven is that every child has the potential to learn and grow. Every. Single. Child. Labels given to children in orphanages really mean nothing, most of the time they are so inaccurate anyway. No child can grow to their full potential in an institution. I get so heartbroken when I see how many children there are waiting for families with "developmentally delayed" written beside their names. The truth is that ninety percent of children waiting in orphanages are "developmentally delayed" in one way or another.  It's just the way it is. It is NOT a reflection of all that they can become if given the chance to be part of a family.



I just have to look at Haven to know that I know that...

 adoption changes lives!

sweet times

When I started blogging about two years ago it was really just a way of keeping my family overseas up to date with our adoption of Haven. I knew absolutely nothing about blogging. It just sounded like a good idea at the time--an easy way to let my family follow us to China for Haven.

Then I discovered the joy of sharing my life here. Blogging has stretched and challenged me in so many ways. Writing has never been my thing. In the past, if anything had to be written for our ministry, I just gave it to my hubby to do. He's the one with the degree in journalism, and a far better writer than I could ever be. But through his little blog of mine the Lord is teaching me to persevere and keep on keeping on--even in the midst of my writing insecurities. It's all good.

Anyway.

One of the most incredible joys of blogging has been the people I have met here. Each and every comment, every e-mail, and every person I have had the privilege of meeting in real life have enriched my life so deeply.

This weekend we got to hang out with a family who have become dear friends in real life. Kristin and I met last winter. She and her hubby just adopted their beautiful Nadia from the Ukraine. It has been so wonderful to journey with them, and watch Nadia's story unfold.

Sweet Nadia just arrived home this week--her new life has begun. Such an amazing thing.

How absolutely precious is she?



Such a little angel girl.



Her big sister is amazing.  How she adores this little one. It warmed my heart to see the love Josi has for her baby sister. The extra chromosome makes them both just absolutely and completely adorable in every way.



Dads and their beautiful girls.



Three babies SAVED!

(For everyone who asked, no, Hailee has not graduated from the hat yet.  We are trying to wean her off it. She still scratches behind her ear, but it is getting better and better.)



The beautiful gift of friendship.  How blessed I am.



Look who has discovered that legs are actually there to be stood on--and feet are for balancing NOT putting in your mouth.

She's so proud of herself.



Little Miss Harper (or "Harpy" as she is known around here) is loving her new found standing adventure.  She is pulling herself up on everything.  Harper has such low muscle tone (very typical for children with Down syndrome), so this is a wonderful achievement for her. I know it won't be long before she'll be running around here and keeping everyone on their toes.  Oh my goodness, she is just such a little treasure.

Life is finally starting to feel a bit more normal in our home.  Most of the boxes are unpacked.  I have painted the main living areas. I love having a bit of color on the walls. Next room--the kitchen.  We have a traditional English basement kitchen which has no windows.  I call it the dungeon.  I cannot wait put some color in there.  Maybe this week...you know, in all my spare time.

We have been so warmly welcomed into our new community.  We're excited, and wait with hearts of expectation to see what God has in store for us here.

two times five

We have two five year olds in our family. One from my womb, the other birthed in my heart.



The one weighs fifty pounds.  His sister--only nineteen pounds.



That's a big difference in weight and size.



But we're rejoicing in our home!  Hailee has gained three pounds in just one month.  She may just catch up to her brother after all. The change in her is amazing. There are no words.



How blessed we are to have doubled the five year olds recently.



They could not be more precious. And we could not be more blessed to be entrusted with these whom the LORD has given us.



Just a few months apart, these two are so very opposite.  The love between them warms my heart. The Father knew that this little girl needed this boy to be her brother--before the foundation of the world.  He does ALL things well, our God.



"Would you like to have a flower, Hailee?"



They take my breath away.  So different, so unique, so absolutely perfect in every way.



Each five year old fearfully and wonderfully made...JUST the way they are.



How exceedingly blessed I am to call these my children--the ones the Father destined to me mine. There is nothing sweeter in this life than being their mommy.



Counting my many blessings today.

doing something

Oh my goodness, reading through your comments on my last post has been so moving for Anthony and me. To hear the cries of so many hearts which are broken for orphans touches my heart. If only these children knew how many people are bringing them before the throne of God in prayer.

I have had so many requests for more information on the precious ones I posted. I'm making my way through each and every email and responding as fast as I can.

I am thrilled to tell you that three of the children in my post are now listed on Reeces Rainbow.  My amazing friend, Andrea Roberts, got onto it fast and by the end of the day had as much information that she needed to list them.  They are listed here under "other angels." 



This is Yulia and she is just as precious as can be.  She has CP.  Oh how she will blossom and grow in a family. She is such a sweet and tender little love.

This young man is Yuri, and he is also now listed on Reeces Rainbow.  Yuri also has mild CP.  He is the cutest little boy with such a sweet nature.  I felt so bad for him because I just knew that he so desperately wanted OUT of that crib. He cried just because he wanted me to pick him up.  Yuri should NOT be in that room. He is smart and has such potential to learn and grow.



And I told you already that sweet little Wade is also listed--under the Down syndrome waiting children.

Thank you, Andrea, for working so insanely hard to give these children an opportunity to find their forever families. You're wonderful.

Many of you have commented and emailed me asking what can be done for children such as these.  What is our role as the Body of Christ?  For me, it is very simple.  With all my heart I believe that we can all do something.  Not out of some obligation--but simply because the Bible COMMANDS us to care for the orphans.  The Bible does not call some to care for orphans.  It does not say that God will lead the chosen few to fulfill the mandate.  Nope--we are all commanded to get involved.

Does that means we should all adopt a child?  No, not necessarily. I completely understand that there are seasons in our lives when we just cannot adopt.  I know that for many it is just not possible.  I am always struck by just how many people there are who are longing, with all their hearts, to bring a child home, but are in a place where it is impossible. Why is it that those who so desperately want to do something about the orphan crisis cannot?  How I long for that not to be the case for so many. One thing I have learned in my walk with God is that He never gives us dreams and desires for no reason.  They are planted in our hearts by Him for a reason.  If you're longing to bring home your next child, but waiting on Him to work out your circumstances, hang on tight and trust Him on the journey.  He'll will bless you with the desire of your hearts--He's just so good like that. 

Oh, and about the adoption thing--I do think that everyone should at least inquire of the Lord if they are to adopt or not.  His answer may just surprise you.

If we cannot adopt a child there are still so many ways we can get involved. Praying is easy and we all know that the Father hears every plea we make on behalf of orphans.  Give, give, and give some more!  Give to others who are adopting.  Sponsor a child on Reeces Rainbow--there are way too many angels on there with zero in their grant fund.  I hate that.  I can tell you that every dollar donated is seed for someone's adoption.  The Lord multiplies it ALL.  We have raised about $100K to adopt four children.  Some of the donations were large and others were small.  Every $10 gift the Lord used as seed to grow.  Since so many of you have asked, I will share a post on our fundraising soon. 

Organize a mission to an orphanage. While I was in the Ukraine I posted that there was a group of Danish high schoolers serving at the orphanage.  They worked hard on the grounds, played with children in the playgrounds, blew up balloons, dressed up like clowns, and took babies for walks in strollers. I asked about whether there had ever been a church group come and do similar things.  My answer was "no."  Oh dear--something about that just felt so wrong to me. Missions are so easy to organize.  Orphanages are desperate for volunteers to come.  It is such an incredible way to love on children and leave them with memories they will never forget. A short-term mission is an easy way to give of ourselves to orphans.

Host an "Orphan Sunday" in your church to bring an awareness to your congregation.

Or, use the social networks to spread the word.  Facebook, blogs, Twitter--they are all incredible ways to get the word out to friends and family.  I am absolutely convinced that part of the reason the Body of Christ is not doing more for orphans is because they don't know about the desperate need. So many churches don't have orphan ministries. Become a voice for those who don't have one--there are so many ways to do it these days.

Anything we do helps.  It does not have to only be the big things. I think that so often we feel like we are only going to make a difference when we do the large things--but that is so not true.  God can use us in any situation to get the word out there. It only takes one conversation in the check-out line of the grocery store to plant the seed in someone's heart.  God can use us anywhere, anyhow and any time He pleases.


Any other ideas as to how the Church can get involved?  Is there something I missed? I'd love to hear your ideas about what we can all do to create an awareness about the sweet children who wait...and wait...and wait.

So thankful tonight that the Lord Jesus Christ is alive and well, and more than able to carry each and every burden on our hearts.

I left my heart there

Today has been one of those days.  The kind when my heart feels so heavy.  Not because of anything in my own life.  I am blessed.  I have a beautiful family, a home, a car to drive, food to eat, and a God who loves me more than my heart can comprehend.  All is well.

No, I ache for something else today. Someone else.

I have photos that bring me to tears each and every time I look at them. I struggle to look at them. They take me back to my time in the Ukraine. They take me back just a few short weeks to the days when I walked into my daughter's orphanage to spend time with them.  Those were long weeks.  Now it all feels like a distant memory.

Except for one thing.  There is one thing that is still so fresh in my memory--pictures that haunt me day and night.  I cannot get away from them--no matter how hard I try.  They follow me everywhere. They are etched in my memory forever. These images are my constant reminder of where my Hailee came from...and what she has left behind. What I have left behind.

Their faces.  Their sweet little faces. 

I have put off posting this for a long time.  Mainly because it stirs up so many feelings and emotions in me.  It is hard for me to go back to that room.  It rips my heart out to even think about the other children that still lie there day and night. But so many of you have asked me to share about that room.  And so I must.

I'm not sure how it all works.  There surely must be a time in an orphans life when they are separated into groups of healthy children, those with special needs, and the few with profound needs. Even if you have never been into a third world country orphanage, it goes without saying that NO child deserves to live in a place like that.  But, it is [very sadly] a fact of life.  We live in a fallen world and until Jesus returns to take us home, places like these will exist.

I have noticed that sometimes children with special needs are in the same rooms as healthy children.  Like our Harper--she was in a room with one or two kiddos who had 'needs', but the others were all typically developing children.  Harper got a good deal.  My guess is that the orphanage workers saw that she was developing fairly well, and she got put with the mixed group of children.

Hailee on the other hand was not so fortunate.  I'm sure her development as an infant must have been lagging--a definite red flag for those who make decisions as to which room the children will live in.  The result being that our sweet girl ended up in the place I refer to as that room.  The room for the precious children who have more profound needs--those who struggle more than others. 

It's a heartbreaking place.  I cannot even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that overcame me each day I walked into that horrible room to take my Hailee out of her crib. 

Hailee was one of just six children.  It's hard to tell whether the others are boys or girls.  The children there are dressed in whatever is available on the day, and their hair is kept ultra short for convenience.  Most of you who have journeyed with me throughout this adoption know that Hailee was drugged--day and night.  On the day I met Hailee I was given all her medical information (which was all of two lines), and told that she was on medication for "best sleep".  Um, yeah, the kind that kept her so sedated that she could barely function. A strong tranquilizer for ADULTS. All in the name of "best sleep". Unfortunately, I am sad to tell you that Hailee was not just an isolated case, a child who had behavior problems that justified the drug.  The drug was required for every single child in that room.

The children there cannot function.  They sleep most of their lives away.  They are so sedated that they can barely keep their eyes open, even when they are awake. They merely exist from day to day.

I cried like I have never wept.  Looking at their sweet faces just about killed me.  I was not allowed to pick the children up out of the cribs.  But each day I walked around to each one of those precious souls lying there and gently stroked their faces and rubbed their frail, malnourished bodies.  I longed for them to know the joy of a tender touch.  It was something they knew absolutely nothing about.  Not once in all my weeks of visiting did I see any of these children picked up and loved. Never! Even crying children, longing for arms to hold them, never got picked up and loved. They were taken out of the crib ONLY to be fed and changed. How do I know these things?  Because the Lord gave me a window to see the things He needed me to see.  He allowed my heart to break for the things that break His. Images I cannot escape.

Many, many of you have written to me and asked me about what happened to Hailee here. I could not say anything at the time--our adoption could have been threatened. I still need to be cautious for the sake of other adopting families. I will say that I inquired about what happened.  I wept as I held my daughter that day--in my heart I knew that she had suffered at the hands of those who were meant to care for her, those who were meant to love and protect her.

One day I could not take anymore. I had been there a long time, and the things I saw day after day were beginning to wear me down. I walked into the building and saw that there was a group of Americans working with many of the kids.  They were staff from a clinic that works with children who have special needs here in the USA.  They had taken over wheelchairs, leg braces, and many other kinds of therapeutic things for kids in a few orphanages. They did an incredible job.  It was so amazing to see. I watched them as they fitted child after child with braces. The joy of seeing many of them standing on their legs for the first time was priceless.  I looked for some of the children from Hailee's room--but there were none.  I was later told from my translator that the clinic workers were not allowed to help those kids.

Oh God in heaven, how can it be?  More than most, they need help.  They need braces.  They need to learn how to stand on their own two feet.  They need wheelchairs. Yet, they're the one group not permitted to get the help they so desperately need.  They're the children locked away and forgotten about.

Do you want to see them?  The ones I had to leave behind?  Would you like to see the faces I looked at one last time, turned my back on, and had to walk away from...knowing the life they lead?  The angelic faces I feel so powerless, yet so desperate to help.

Please excuse the bad quality of a few of these pics, they are not the greatest. They were not happy about pictures being taken, so we had to be careful.

The first three pictures are of the same little boy.  He is just as sweet as can be.  I have no idea what his special need is, but of all the children in the room he is the only one who can stand up on his own, holding onto the rail of his crib.  He has such a sweet smile. Loves to smile. Every time I came up to his crib, he raised his arms for me to pick him up.  Oh how I would have loved to cuddle him.






These children know nothing but this life--the lonely existence inside the confines of an old crib.



They lie like this all day long.  Day in, and day out.  Some may have one toy which hangs from their crib, others not. If they are fortunate enough to have one, it is the only stimulation they have.



Oh my goodness, if I could have run out of that place with a third child, this would be him.  This angel boy crept into my heart. Forget the pink, he is a boy. He has Down syndrome and is almost three years old. He cannot weigh more than ten pounds.  He is so totally precious.  He has the biggest blue eyes and is such a beautiful child.



My heart broke in two for this sweet boy.  He is so frail and weak. The reality for all children with special needs in this country is that they remain in a baby house until around their fourth birthday.  They are then transferred to a mental institution.  Conditions there are unimaginable--absolutely horrendous.  Ninety five percent of children with Down syndrome DIE in these heinous places.  They cannot survive the conditions. 

How will this teeny tiny angel survive a mental asylum?  How?  There is no way.  Unless a family comes to adopt him, he will surely die.  My heart cannot comprehend it all.  He is just too sweet for words. He reminds me so much of Hailee.  He too has the bump on his forehead from banging it against the bars of the crib.

This little guy has just been listed on Reeces Rainbow.  He is "Wade" in orphanage 3.



These children wear pajamas all day long--it is all they know. 



The cribs are crammed into a very little room.



They lie there longing for someone to pick them up.

This is no life for a child--any child.  Whether they have 'special needs' or not, NO child deserves this. 



Friends, no amount of words can express how these photos make me feel.  I feel like I left a piece of my heart in that room.  I ache for these children. I long, with everything that is within me, for them to be adopted.  I long for them to experience the life that Hailee now has.  They have to be saved from life in an institution.  They deserve to be given an opportunity to learn and grow and become everything that God has created them to be.  They deserve a family...just like every child.  Every single child in that room can be adopted.

The sad reality is that a foreign adoption is pretty much their only hope. Children with special needs are very rarely adopted by their own people in this country. It's just the way it is.

Some days, like today, I just long to find a solution to the orphan crisis.  I know that so many of you who read my blog feel the same way. It is an overwhelming problem.  I just cannot even imagine how the Lord must weep over what He sees.  I am often tempted to run to the Lord with all of my "why, Lord?" questions...

"Why are the so many orphans?"

"Why are there not more families rushing to adopt them?"

"Why do the children have to suffer while they wait?"

"When are things going to change?"

"Can't you just do something about it, Lord?"

But I don't ask anymore.  My answer from heaven is always the same...


"What are YOU going to do about it, Adeye?"

surely every girl...

Deserves an opportunity in this life....



To just be a girl...



And do the things that girls do...



Like discovering the absolute joy of playing with mommy's hat...



On a hot summer's day...



Girls just love hats...



No matter how big the hat may be...



And how little the girl is...



All hats fit perfectly...



When you're given the opportunity to just play...



And learn what it means to be a girl...



Yes, we think that every single girl should have the opportunity to be what the Almighty Father created them to be...

A beautiful, curious, exploring little girl--fearfully and wonderfully made--just the way they are.



Oh my, this lady stuff is so much fun, but it sure does make a girl sleepy...



The good news is that I have the rest of my life to play dress up, get into mommy's make-up, wear pretty clothes, and just be a girly girl.

It's all better than okay now that I am home...where I belong.



I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.   John 14:18