Some of you had questions about Haven after my last post, so I thought I would answer them here.
~~ Does Haven use sign language?
No, she does not. Over the last two years we have tried to get her to sign (with the help of the Signing Time DVD's). But she will not do it. She can imitate us if we show her a sign, but as far as taking the initiative to show us a need that she may have...nothing at all.
As part of Haven's PTSD and emotional issues, she will not acknowledge any need at all. If we allowed her to, she could literally dehydrate without even thinking that all she needs to do is point to the fridge to show us that she needs a drink. Something in her little brain will not take the initiative to show need of any kind--be it needing to use the bathroom, needing a drink, or something to eat. She absolutely will not communicate any kind of need.
So signing is not something that works for her (yet!). We have tried to get her to use it, and I believe that she does indeed even know many of the signs (as we are teaching Harper too), but as far as actually using them...nothing.
We have considered the many apps that are now available for people who are non-verbal. Honestly though, we are not even sure if that will give her a way to communicate. Her inability to communicate is a very deep issue with our sweetheart. We're talking profound wounds (caused from 8 years of heinous abuse) which have literally caused her to shut down in this area. Completely. Shutting down, and refusing to speak, was Haven's way of coping with the hand that she was dealt in the orphanage. I get shivers just thinking about it.
As many of you know, PTSD is extremely complex.
If we push her just a little too hard, or if she feels like she is being forced into doing something that is out of her comfort zone, she shuts down completely and will have a mega meltdown. It is her way of telling us that "this is too much for me". Her emotions are extremely fragile. And who can blame her after all that she has been through?
We have learned to take things one day at a time with Haven--going at her pace, not ours. In the process God has taught us to lower the expectations and savor the milestones when she does eventually reach them.
~~~ Would music give her a way to communicate?
As many of you noticed, yes, Haven does have absolutely beautiful hands. Long, slender fingers all of us would just love to have. Anne B, I so appreciated you sharing the nudging from the Lord about Haven playing the piano. That is definitely something we will look into.
She loves music and dancing. We got Just Dance 2 as a Christmas gift. It is her best! The girl has some fabulous rhythm and can totally follow the actions on the game. It amazes me how well she does it. Music may very well just be her thing. And you don't need words to dance and play a musical instrument. Perfect!
~~~ What about animals? Has she spent time them?
Yes, we have two dogs and a kitty. She loves our little Cavalier spaniel.
~~~ I read that she doesn't use sign. Have you tried those programs where she can touch a symbol/picture for something(like 'juice') and the program "speaks"?
Not yet, but we absolutely will try them soon. Since being home we have tried numerous educational toys and gadgets that would give her a way to communicate with us, but none of them have worked for her (so far).
~~~~
There you have it. We still have a very long way to go in the communication department with our sweetie. It is just going to take time, years really. Every therapist Haven has ever seen has said the same thing--time, time and more time. There is no quick fix (I hate that many just want to "fix" her). There is no secret formula to make Haven find her words. The reality is that she may never speak (though we do pray that she does). There are just so many unknowns.
But you know what? It really does not matter to us. God has been so gracious and gentle with us. He has given us such peace on the journey. When we first came home from China everyone (every doctor, every therapist, every professional) felt certain that Haven would speak within the first six months of being home. Somehow we always knew in our hearts that that would not be the case. We just knew that it was going to take so much longer...and that it would be okay. Pushing Haven beyond her emotional and intellectual capabilities has never been an option. Ever. She cannot handle it.
We go at a snails pace with her--because that is the only way she is able to do it.
Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Besides, she has the rest of her life to learn and grow...what's the rush anyway? She is happy, safe and content--and that is all that really matters. Everything else can wait.
This is one of my favorite pictures. Harper has been so good for Haven. She makes her way up onto Haven's lap (because Harper needs laps) whenever she can and Haven just loves it. Sweet sisters.
47 sweet thoughts from friends:
She truly is fearfully and wonderfully made just the way she is! WE humans want to 'fix' what God has already deemed wonderful. I think your patience and joy with her is a great testimony to this truth.
i'll be praying on this with you! love the ideas shared here :-)
that last photo speaks volumes to me! how precious is HIS LOVE that covers a multitude of sins! goodness that is beautiful!!!
love you!
jill
Your children are all precious, but that Harper looks so "squeezable"! :)
Music... that is a great idea for Haven!
"She is happy, safe and content--and that is all that really matters. Everything else can wait." Adeye, I LOVE this, and am so happy that you have written it on your blog, and I know that I have seen it more then once (well, perhaps not exact, but the idea). This has ALWAYS been our outlook for our children. With happy and safe everything else they need will fall into place. I am always shocked by how many people just do NOT get this. And I am so happy for your children that they are blessed my a Momma who does.
Adeye, I can't tell you how much your blog posts have touched me! We have only recently begun our adoption journey with RR and a sweet friend introduced me to your blog shortly before we committed to our little boy. I have shared so many of your posts with my husband and friends, and even quoted (and linked!) one on my blog recently. I am so grateful for your faithfulness to the Lord and to your family, and for your willingness to share it all with all of us. Your sweet Haven is both blessed and a blessing!! I have loved reading more about her the past couple of days.
It's so heartbreaking to think of what she's been through that sweet girl. She couldn't be with a more loving family, I pray that one day she is able to break through the silence. She is a beauty!
As the mom of a daughter from China who we believe also suffers from PTSD, I applaud you for letting Haven set the pace. Time will not erase her wounds, but it will provide her the opportunity to build trust, and that will go so far in helping her decide how and when she wold like to communicate. Safety is so critical for these children, and it can take literally years to build that securely enough for her to need you. She is a precious gift from God - who knew where she needed to be and placed her there.
Just curious - When Haven has a meltdown or cries does she make sounds?
Does she make any sounds?
Sweet girl! Prayers for her!
Adeye, I love how much you love her and understand her little broken heart. Keep plugging along, none of us of the answers except the One that entrusted her to you!!!
Love, love, love, how Haven and Harper are their own little duo. How wonderful for Haven!!!
Adeye- I just LOVE the way you accept your kiddos for the way they are, without expecting them to change to fit "society". I love that you are going with Haven's pace and seem to have so much peace in that. Thanks for that example!
I am so moved by the "peace" that God has given you regarding Haven being non-verbal. What a gift that is to Haven as well. I am familiar with some of the talking/picture programs that can be used with iPads, etc. (in fact, my son uses one sometimes when others don't understand him) and this may be an option for her at some time. My only caution is to not fall into the expectation that she could/would use it to express needs like a drink, etc. First of all..... she doesn't express needs like that, second of all..... even if she did..... it's boring. It is much more fun to use it to just comment or to just "sing" so to speak. Maybe just buttons that if she touches will "lead" the family in a prayer or a game. So she wouldn't really be using it to "talk" but rather to make a choice between prayers for example. If you pursue this option for her at any time, feel free to connect with me for ideas related to using it to give her a voice of expression rather than a voice to make requests, etc. Another idea, is to introduce it for someone else to use, (a capable model, who understands that they are modeling it's use) i.e. to lead family in a prayer or bible story...... and thus decrease the "demand" that I assume would cause her some distress. Thus she would have much time to observe it's use and use it when she's ready. Just my two cents. :)
She has SUCH a beautiful spirit!! I can see it in her eyes.
I think you guys are doing exactly the right thing. I think Haven needs to know you will meet her needs without her having to ask. I do think speech will come with time, maybe lots of time tho.
Your little girl is so sweet and will be a special light to the world. She will be able to reach people in ways that we cannot.
Oh my word, Adeye- this post just broke my heart. I haven't followed you long enough to know this about Haven. I can tell just from reading this how tender you and Anthony are with her. I will pray for your beautiful little flower, that God will help her to blossom in her own time, with love from that beautiful family of yours... Love to water her soul:)
I think you are the absolute perfect mother for her, no, the perfect FAMILY for her and doing the best thing for her right now- accepting her and loving her.
Morning guys - I would reiterate one thing you said - with emphases added - PTSD is extremely complex! What works for one doesn't work for another!! I would also make the observation that any child that functions as well as Haven does - puzzles - dance games - playing with pets and siblings - obviously has a great ability for 'receptive language' - she simply does not use 'expressive language' (those our the terms our folks locally use - don't know if they are universal or not) - Haven DOES understand....the intellect is there....she simply has nothing to say. You couldn't be more correct, when she wants to say something I'm confident that she will, but for now she feels the need to be silent.
I just can't prase you enough for loving her on HER terms! That faith and love WILL bring her through her difficulties!
and makes me want to hug her all the more - children are to be loved, cared for, and protected - and taught to love, care and protect! Nothing more!
hugs around - aus and co.
You are an incredibly beautiful mother - and have a family that literally takes my breath away.
Truly- I am so inspired by your words and outlook on life. THANK you for sharing yourself and your family with us.
http://reecesrainbow.org/julie
This girl on Reeces Rainbow is also having trouble communicating. I think it's quite common that not speaking or not speaking much is among orphans. I am glad Haven is out of the orphanage. I am glad she is with you. I do hope she begins to speak eventually. Yet, if she doesn't, she has a good home. I like her bright eyes.
You are a beautiful mama and she is a beautiful child! God shows me so much through your tone and faith. I have learned that humans are not worth what they produce, but are worthy because they are loved by God. The process, the journey matters. Special children are actually have it good because they aren't defined by what they produce- they are highlighted by their being. And that's what it's all about. I just took my teacher certification test and am praying about getting an ad-on certificate in special ed because I've been learning so much about this subject in my heart.
Hope and pray for your strength today.
Jill in SC
I love the picture of Harper and Haven. Haven, smiling knowing she is loved, and Harper safe in her sister's arms. So precious!!!
Sweet. She is so wonderfully made, and God has placed her in the perfect family for her! LOVE that Harper needs laps, and that Haven is one for her...
I think perhaps that Harper was needed by more than just Hailey. I remember you talking about Harper being God's choice (not that they aren't ALL God's choice) but that you knew Harper would be something special. :) LOVE God's plans. )
You are the perfect mother for Haven. Her contented happiness shines through ~ good job Mama!
It might just be that music becomesher voice. Wouldn't that be precious? :)
Our little one had trouble with all kinds of things as he started out his journey with autism. Receptive and expressive language, no concept of needs or his own person, gross and fine motor, etc.
The thing that encouraged me a lot was this: Yes, he couldn't understand us or respond clearly. But the Holy Spirit, who knows all things, was not impeded by this. We trusted that every day, He was there, speaking to his heart in a way that our son could understand. It gave me great comfort as we moved along at our son's pace.
I have been reading your blog for a while and just thought I would finally say 'hi'. I love what you wrote about Haven and your patience for her struggles. In truth, there is no hurry, for we all take our whole lives to learn some things.
Blessing to you and your family,
Heather
Your patience with her encourages me to slow down with my own children. I find myself pushing to the point of exasperation, and it is not healthy.
You are an amazing mom. Truly. I love that her aversion to speaking is greeted by just more love and patience. You rescued her. Now she just gets to know love.
I am so thankful for you Adeye and for your perspective. I wonder if you will ever truly know how many hearts have softened, how many perspectives changed...because you have shared these things.
God has entrusted some of the most rare and beautiful treasures to you!
Yes, you are human and sure you have faults but you truly are an inspiration to so many....and what's beautiful is that you don't even realize it. It is Christ in you that we all find so very attractive :) Just as it should be!
Thank you!!
When she is ready she will surprise you with how much she knows. Finding her inner strength to allow everyone in. She is protecting herself and you as a mom know what she is ready for. You are right.. she is safe and happy and that is all that matters. Oh and by the way... can I borrow little Harper? Her cuteness is just too much
How beautiful a picture! I am a new reader and am encouraged by the love of a Godly family. :)
In special educations, so often we are taught to try to "fix" the "issues" that a child may have-not ever realizing that some of these so called issues are what makes the person unique and special. Thank you for sharing with me, and the rest of your readers about beautiful Haven. You've given me a different way to look at communication and the so called problems that I'm suppose to "fix" as a teacher.. How lucky Haven is to have a family who accepts her just as she is and is willing to wait for however long until she can reach her maximum potential. I'd say you were lucky to have her too- but I'm sure you know that already! =)
Thanks for sharing some of the things you have been trying with Haven to help her communicate. You are doing a great job, I'm sure she appreciates it and one day hopefully God will give her the courage to use her voice.
All your children are lovely but there is something that draws me to your beautiful Haven maybe it's the happiness that radiates from her face I don't know. Thank you for sharing about her.
Such a beautiful tender girl; what an amazing family you are for her - perfect! I have no suggestions, but I just wanted to say that whatever you are or are not doing is clearly working for her, for now, and that is all that matters. Thanks for sharing; her story is nothing short of amazing, and whatever she does or does not do with her life will also be amazing, I am sure!
All the best,
Nicole A., now in LA
she is a perfect creating just the way she is! Thank you for sharing your amazing children with me!
Adeye,
Because I am a piano teacher, I know it can be hard to find a good piano teacher, so I thought I'd google around and see what I can find. I found this lady, who might be a good starting point for your search if you decide to try to get Haven in piano. I think it's a great idea! Might be just her thing.
http://www.people.vcu.edu/~bhammel/hammel/alice/index.htm
I love your blog and your story about how you got all your kids really convicted me and left me speechless. I hope to adopt someday. You can tell Haven is so precious and special just through her pictures. She's beautiful! As are all your kids!!
Julie
What sweet sunshine Haven is. How blessed she is to have such a loving tender family and how blessed you all are to have that precious girl to love. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely beautiful :)
It sounds like the communication apps wouldn't work for Haven at this point in time because she doesn't show communicative intent (directing a behavior (speech, gesture, sign, noise, etc.) at a person to either request something, protest something or comment about something). Those apps are all just an alternative mode of communication but require the same amount of communicative intent as speech/sign/gestures. However, I have used Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS) with a young boy with autism who was completely non-verbal and demonstrated no communicative intent and we had lots of success! It is a system designed to facilitate basic requests by teaching intentionality. It might be something that you'd be interested in learning more about if you haven't been exposed to it before. It could even be useful for your two little ones in addition to sign language. The nice thing about it is that it can be used with just about anyone unlike signing where the person is limited to only communication with other people who know those signs.
Just thought I'd share my unsolicited advice. If you're interested, I'd love to share more. :)
I am going out on a limb her to bring something up. But it is clear to me that you all are Spirit led. I say this gently with complete humility and understanding that you all accept Haven just how she is, which amazingly touches my heart. And I also can tell that she is happy and content in her pictures. She is a beautiful child. I was wondering if you all ever thought of the possibility that she could have picked up something demonic that came to her at the orphanage. She may need some deliverance? Please understand that I speak this with just a question and possibly a thought. NOT that she is demonic or even seems that way. I just thought maybe she is bound by something greater than we understand. I realize that the condition she has is caused from years of abuse, and I also understand the enemy attaches in that and has a part in that. Just a thought. You are an amazing mommy. I am thankful to read your posts.
Every time I've read about Haven only one thought comes to mind--pure joy that God put her in your family! Having had a long and uncomfortable conversation with a Sunday school teacher once who was clearly incensed over our Ella's inability to speak, I understand the power that comes from accepting and loving your child exactly where they are. What a gift to our children! God knows where they need to be and he set them in our homes for His good reasons.
Thank you for sharing about Haven; it really does touch me deeply and cause me to Praise the Lord!!
Thanks for sharing, her story touched my heart in a deep way. Despite her incredible beauty, her eyes show so much light and love. It amazes me the children capacity for love, even after suffering horribly.
My daughter has severe hearing loss and because of her medical issues was not considered adoptable for many years. Thus, no one ever bothered to teach her how to speak or sign or any language at all. She learned English as a first language and sign as a four year old and it has been slow going. One thing that made a big difference for her is she now has a baby brother that she can teach. Her language skills improved a ton and her sweet, loving personality is even more obvious when you see her caring for her little brother. Perhaps Harper and Hailey will help Haven the same way.
Time, time, and more time
Isn't that what we all need? Why do we always think fast is the only way to go? Thank God He is not on the fast time table with us. He just enjoys everyday with us as we learn at our own pace. Thank you Jesus!!
I think it is awesome that she dances to that game. I can almost see her doing it! And I love the picture of her and Harper! Just love it!
I love your approach and your tenderness towards your daughter. Let her heal, give her time. love, safety- she will let you know when she wants more from you.
I have struggled with this- I want answers, a diagnosis and ways to work with it. I really need God to fill my heart with his peace. I need to trust HIM more, much more.
If you get a chance- send a prayer my way!
Thank you Friend!
Adeye, your blog, your mothering, your manner of speaking about your beautiful children--it's just dripping with God's grace. I love coming here and seeing your children just glow under your loving care.
What a beautiful little girl!! Keep the faith :) I am a special education teacher and many times when I give my students more time and have lots of patience I see alot more growth! I beleive she will continue to blossom!!! :)
Also, I have a suggestion for her communication we use alot of different devices in my classroom but the program "Boardmaker" is excellent for non-verbal kids. All it really is, is pictures with labels where the child can point and choose. I would highly suggest it!!
www.mayer-johnson.com/boardmaker
I will be praying for her!! :)
I wonder if not taking initiative to get a need met is strictly a PTSD thing. My Liberian adoptees do the same thing. They lived thru a brutal civil war in Liberia where even if they asked for food, their mom couldn't necessarily get it for them. Initiative just goes away in that kind of environment.
My 13 yo daughter recently needed to iron a skirt, but apparently she didn't know how to operate the iron. She came out wearing a super wrinkly skirt. I asked if she had ironed it. She said: Yes, I ironed it for 20 min, but the iron never got hot!
Never occurred to her to ask me for help. She just kept ironing w/ a barely warm iron. Poor thing.
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