I have realized something about myself since I have been on this journey here in a far away land.
I am NOT a strong person. At all! I did used to think that I had a certain amount of strength. But not anymore. I am as weak as they come. There are some things in this life that are, quite frankly, just too darn painful. Things that make me beg the Lord Jesus to hurry on up and come back NOW.
Our Hailee…she’s not sick. Today I discovered that I was wrong in thinking that. She is, however, struggling with the side effects of a strong dose of the drug that she is on. She was doing so very well last week. I really thought that we had turned a corner with bonding. But everything changed on Saturday. I couldn’t figure it out.
Today I found out that last week she was off her medication-the one for “best sleep”. The drug which is prescribed for patients with severe mental disorders. The one that causes her to be so out of it that she is nothing but a [quiet] floppy ragdoll. Saturday, she resumed taking it.
Today I had to remind myself to breathe. I felt like the walls were caving in on me.
Today I loved on my child who could not recognize me.
Today my heart broke as I looked into her eyes and told her that I adore her.
Today my daughter was lifeless.
Today I wept and told my God in heaven that I just could not understand it all.
Today I asked God, “Why?”
Today I whispered into her sweet ears and made her promises.
Today I shed tears for the ones that I will have to leave behind.
Today I crossed off another day on my countdown to this process being complete.
Today I asked the Lord how come others have completed their adoption in less than a week-but I still sit here waiting for court.
Today I begged the Father, “Where is your church? Who will come and rescue all the others?”
Today I lost it completely.
My daughter’s reality is truly more than my heart can deal with. I am aching for her. Aching for others.
So there you have it-I am NOT a strong person at all. When it comes to this stuff, I totally turn to mush.
I am so thankful that HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.
I just found your blog while I was browsing on Reese’s Rainbow. I have an 11 month old baby cousin with Down Syndrome so I often check the website and browse around for updates. Just want to say I’m praying for you, your family, and your precious girls.
Dear Adeye, I don’t know you but have been following your blog for awhile now. My heart and prayers go out to you and your precious little girls! I am asking God to PLEASE, PLEASE let you get these girls home soon!!! May HE bless you and continue to give you the strenght you need to complete this journey. Love in Christ , Rosann
That is heartbreaking
Why, oh WHY is Hailee put back on that medication 
? I’m so very sorry for her and for you, Adéye. I pray for you to get a court date so you can bring your darling daughters home!
Adeye,
I’m so sorry.
I can’t imagine how this must feel…
I don’t know what to say, except thank the Lord that you are bringing her home.
Now she has a chance..now she will be loved.
Oh, that’s heartbreaking. Just remember that you’ve shown her love, and she WILL remember that when you finally get her out of there, whether it’s in 1 week or
5. She’ll have her mommy’s love forever - I can’t think of a better thing for her to wake up to.
Can’t you ask them to stop giving her the medication? Surely they can see that she is suffering?! My heart just aches for you and those babies, Adeye and I cannot wait to see the day when you are able to take them out of there for good! Hang in there, love!
Oh, precious Adeye, I am weeping with you. Lord, please grant your favor and allow these babies to be in their Mommy’s care full-time forevermore! You know how it goes though, Sister - you get them out and you can’t ever imagine them as an orphan, EVER! And you are very strong for admitting your weakness! His strength is made PERFECT in weakness. Loving you from around the world!
Oh dear,
How I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you. But reality is so harsh. I feel you are strong, but no loving mother would feel strong in seeing her child in the state she is. All we want as mothers to give them the chance to feel loved, feel secure, to FEEL. You are strong to turn to God, many would not. You are strong to talk about it many would not. In the face of sick child many of us, including me feel helpless and weak. You will be able to help you child, just not right now. Keep holding to the hope that soon you will be home giving her all the love she is entitled. Meanwhile, I will continue to pray.
Marie-Claude
Hi Adeye, I am relatively new to your blog (3 weeks), and I absolutely love what you’re doing for these two little girls. They have no idea how lucky they are!
Your post today made my heart ache. It must be so terribly painful for you to be so close to your little one and not be able to protect her from this kind of treatment. Just think: it’s only a matter of time!
Hailee’s life has already taken a turn for the best. A few more days of her being on medication won’t change that. She has a mother now!
And caring so much does not make you a weak person. It makes you a great mommy!
Take care,
Ellen (from Holland)
I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache you’re going through. Please know that so many people are praying for you and your sweet daughters. May you continue to find the strength and courage to get through each day. Hugs!!
I know you can’t WAIT to get her home and off of that stuff FOREVER! We can’t either! LORD, BRING THE GIRLS HOME SOON!
Adeye, I join you with being weak! I too once thought of myself as strong and often still do, but reality is my Father has broke me for what breaks Him. It is truly only when we are weak that we become strong! Loving you my friend form afar!!! I praise God that both our hearts beat for the same Father!!!
Ah but His strength is made perfect in your weakness my precious friend.
)
Where IS HIS church indeed?
We are coming…a few here and a few there…but where are the rest? All members of the body working together…working towards finding homes for orphans…some adopting, some financing, some praying…all INVOLVED! I wish I could say that I am ON MY WAY…but I am not. Not yet. And my dear Adeye, you are stronger than you think. You ARE doing things through Christ that most of us sitting here reading think we could NEVER do. Seriously. But I have learned that we should never say, “oh I could never do such and such..” Because when God calls me to do it, then He also enables me to do it…even if it isn’t easy…even if it hurts.
Your example is encouraging so many others my friend. In fact, I think it is very possible that the Father is using little ole YOU to ignite a passion in so many who happen upon your little blog world to rescue the forgotten children there. His glory is being manifested in YOU. Yes. You!
So cry your eyes out sweet one. They will not be wasted. Your pain is not in vain. We sit at home in our comfy chairs and weep with you.
Oh no! Our comfy hearts are beginning to soften..our hears of stone are turning into hearts of flesh. We are awakening to the sound…of crying children…and we shudder as we realize that there is none other to go but US.
Keep telling your story girl. Tears and all!!
with love,
Holly (Purpose Driven Holly
Oh mercy, you are strong…VERY STRONG. Hang in there, I can’t imagine what it’s like but I know HE is with you and will see all three of you through this. LIFTING you in prayers!!!
God bless you,
Amy <><
It’s ok that you don’t feel strong all the time. You know that the Lord is strong and that you can pour out your weaknesses and frustrations to Him.
A friend used to say to me, “That’s all right, God is strong enough for us to tell Him how we are feeling. He knows anyway!”.
Everything that you are tell us about your girls and the others in the orphanage gives us clearer direction on how to pray.
Hoping that tomorrow will be a happier day for you.
Hugs xx
I was led to pray for you and the adoptions process during church, around 11 a.m. IL time. I’m praying for you and your sweet girls.
I’m so sorry that this is being done to your daughter and to many others.
Sending love, comfort and strength your way.
Oh Adeye, I am so sorry. I don’t see how she could be any trouble at all, why would they think she needs that medicine?! Praying for her and you and all the ones left behind. I often wonder “where is the Church?”. Hoping and praying they will hear the cry of the Fatherless.
Praying for you and your sweet babies.
I am so sorry for the reality of the situation for orphans there and around the world! It is a bleak situation for 143,000,000 of the planet’s smallest and most helpless citizens. I would like to know where the body of Christ is too??? Too many of us are just plain into comfort and let’s face it …adoption is often uncomfortable, but it sure is coated in blessing:)
Lisa
Hang in there, Adeye!
Oh, poor angel, I am so sorry!! You may not feel strong in the face of this, but who would?
You are one of the strong FEW who are willing to do what it takes. Its only a short time until she is out of there..and free from this forever. I can’t wait to see pictures posted of that day!
been following your journey to these sweet girls. I just read your newest post on hailee and looked at old pictures from the beginnning and noticed your recent and oldest pictures are with her tongue sticking out. I wonder if on this medicine she loses control over it. Last weeks picture she does . Hope you get to come home soon and give these little girls a home and new life they deserve. karen
So sad!
NO reasons given at all?
Hang in there. The Lord is with you.
I am right there with you! This adoption has gone on too long…. Yours AND mine! But there will be an end my friend!!! I don’t know why God allows, but I do know all things pass by Him first!!!!!
My heart breaks for you and for Hailee! And my little Yana! But even more so for those whose ransom has yet to be paid!!! Hailee and my Yana are almost free!
Hang tough my friend! YOUR strength isn’t even needed! It isn’t part of the equation!
Loving you and praying for you!!!!
Oh Adaye, I cannot imagine! I am sure that you keep asking WHY? Why did the give the order for more drugs? Do they have any explanation, when she was doing so well last week? I just don’t understand.
Praying that you can take your precious babies out of the orphanage as quickly as possible. Praying that God can protect their little bodies from the damage being done by the drugs. Oh. My. Heart.
Big Prayers … lifted up to our Big God … who is with you, and with those babies, … who hears your every cry and the cries of your family and friends.
Big Hugs … across the miles …
Laurel
It takes a strong woman to be willing to feel the pain of & advocate for the least of these. Period.
I have been trying to catch up on your blog, I thought of you often while in Ethiopia. You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there!
I am so sorry, let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and Hailee, may YHWH take care of her and sustain her in spite of the drugs until you can take her home where she’ll slowly be able to heal totally. May He keep you strong until you can smile with joy when you present the little girls to your children back home. That would be sooooo wonderful when it happens, and I’m praying for you along the way.
Crying with you friend. Hang in there. No words, really, just prayers and heart to heart hugs.
Oh Adeye, My heart hurts reading this…how much more you are aching as you look into her eyes. I am praying!! Praying that your court day comes quickly, that you will be able to take the girls to your apartment soon, that the “orders” will change and Hailee can come off that medicine. That simply makes me ill to think about! You may be alone in the physical sense, but you do know that you are not alone in spirit, right? You have SO many people praying!! And I bet all of us are going to be praying for Hailee to be allowed to come off the medicine once and for all. Loving and praying from Virginia~Shelley
Sending hugs my friend!
I just found your blog this week through Reece’s Rainbow and have been enjoying reading about your journey to Hailee and Harper. It was shocking, and made me sad to read about Hailee today. I can’t imagine how hard that is for you, her momma. May God continue to give you His comfort and strength.
Blessings,
Barb
You said it perfectly, Adeye! When we are weak, He is strong!
God has used your written words today {spoken through the brokenness you feel right in this moment} to speak to more people than you may ever know on this side of eternity!!
God knows why you are having to go through the lengthy wait. God knows why Hailee is still being given this awful drug. It doesn’t make sense to you or I, but God has a sovereign plan that is slowing unfolding in front of you, your family and all of us here.
Many prayers go before our Heavenly Father on your behalf and on the behalf of Hailee and Harper. {hugs ~ sweet friend!}
I have been following your journey for Hailee and Harper. I’m sorry that you are having a tough time. Just know that it is not never ending. I’m praying for you even though you don’t know me. I also will pray for Hailee.
Oh Precious friend! I so wish I could be there with you giving you a hug right now. I say AMEN! to all that you wrote here tonight.
I know how you feel and have walked in your shoes enough to know His grace is sufficient. He is right there with you and is with every single child. He will not leave them nor forsake them. His ways are higher than ours and we will never understand them this side of heaven.
We simply must put all of our hope, faith and trust in the ONE who is faithful!
I love you and I’m so sorry for what you are seeing and feeling. He knows you can handle it and is opening your eyes to see what His heart feels day in and day out for the lost and forgotten!
Jill
Oh Adeye!!! I so wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now! My heart broke into a million pieces as I read this post!! Never doubt your strength, however. You are strong and brave and courageous as is sweet Hailee. Keep praying and stay strong. Your beautiful daughters need you!!!
Oh sweetie, you are strong~so very strong to stand tall for your babies !! I dont know what to say, about this sad situation…..it is so sad. soon so very soon, she will on her way home !!
Oh my word. I ache for you and your mama’s heart. I looked back at the pictures of last week again and Hailee did look so much more alert. I’m so sorry for this child and so many others that are being medicated into a daze. I pray that God is using you in ways you cannot see. Maybe these caretakers are seeing what you can do with the love you have for these girls. Maybe your little light will shine and God will work a miracle in the lives you have to leave behind you. Prayers for strength in this dark place.
Ugh!! Aching with you……
Huge Hugs and lots of Love!
Anne
Praying for His strength to infuse you for however long it takes. Praying that you will be a testimony to His greatness. Praying for your broken heart - that His love will help heal it. Praying for your precious children - may they feel your love through all their very little beings.
Crying with you my friend… but even more- praying with you.
Dear Adeye - You are tough and I am proud to have come to know you in the last month as you have journeyed for your daughters. You question why you have been in this place for so long when other families have come and gone. I have hurt for you and wondered the same thing. Tonight as I crawled into bed with Rob (my husband) your blog came to mind. I shared with him about Hailee and the drugs.
It means much to us to learn everything you are sharing because our Aaron has been transferred and we are frantic with worry about what is happening to him. He also is five, desperately alone, waiting for hope to arrive. We pray we can go soon. My heart aches for him. Your story has helped prepare us and we are grateful.
As I prayed quietly for you tonight, I was given a thought I want to share. I came down to the computer to share it. (NOT NORMAL.. bedtime is my favorite part of the day)…
Adeye - We can’t see the big picture. God does. He has you there for reasons that go way beyond the adoption of your two precious little ones. He has chosen YOU at this moment in this time to be HIS light in a very dark corner of the world. He needed your light to shine for this time because in the greater scheme of things - in the eternal - your presence in that place is God’s Holy moment. Lives are being changed because of the light you are shining. You can’t see it and probably not until you are on the other side of eternity will it all come together and make sense but the Master of the Universe is orchestrating His plan and you are playing a key role. I am not usually one to share in this way. I am more prone to tell people that I am praying (which I am) and leave it at that. But as I lay in bed thinking of you - the Holy Spirit just moved in my heart to share this with you. It may be that your presence will be a catalyst for a change in a heart there (or hearts) or it may be through your blog that someone is being touched by God through you. To whomever or however - it is in His hands and in His design. So be patient, vigilant, presevering and trusting that those angels who are surrounding you - are protecting you and your little ones while God does His holy work.
You are so being covered in prayer. I have shared your story with many and I know that others reading your blog are also praying. Though you feel alone as you go back and forth each day (believe me I would be a total mess) - your angels, your family, your friends and your GOD are surrounding you.
Blessings and Love - Julia Nalle [email protected]
So been there with that realization! We are not strong, in our weakness HE is made strong. We are to be broken and yielded. Now we are home, we sometimes forget the harsh realities that made us move heaven and earth to change the lives of our kids! HUGS to you today. Praying for you and the ones you can touch while you are there!
Oh dear. I cannot imagine your pain. She is obviously a tough cookie, a survivor. Only a little while longer and she’ll be under your constant care and protection.
If it is any consolation at all, I believe the church is waking. Thanks to people like you who are shedding light on the plight of these children. It can’t happen soon enough.
Sending you a very big hug, and lifting you up before the Lord, Adeye! Stay in the holy of holies, and remember that you are seated in heavenly places with Jesus. He will give you heaven’s perspective and heaven’s peace. Knowing the Man of sorrows means that we often drink of the cup, too, doesn’t it? But you will see the fruits of your obedience. Don’t be discouraged, dear one. The church is still there, supporting, funding, praying, working behind the scenes.. the church is still the church! God is working in and through yielded hearts much more than any one of us can know. Little Hailee is in His hands, and He will take care of her all the way. Little Harper, too! Praying grace and encouragement over you. Much love!
Oh A, my heart aches with you - but as many have already said here, when we are weak He is strong. I pray that His strength surrounds you. Soon you will have your girls out of there forever.
By allowing so many to share your journey you are doing your part to see that at least some of the church wakes up to the plight of the orphan - what you are sowing will reap in ways you will never know. Until He returns it will never be right, but there is a stirring in his people, I have met so many recently that are adopting for the first time.
I love you my sweet friend, hang in there XXXXX
Dear sweet Adeye. You have such a beautiful heart and soul. I can surely understand why you can feel this way but it is only human and we can only pray and keep our hopes up for a better day tomorrow. The difference between Hailee in the beginning and Hailee after taken off the meds was amazing. I would question as to why they put her back on those medication’s and ask why. You need to know why they are doing this to her. She looked like a sweet, happy little girl until they drugged her again. I’d have to ask them WHY???? This is just so hard to understand. You, as her future mother, should be given answers. Especially since she seemed so different when off the meds. She is a precious child and I can’t help but wonder if they are just testing you. I hope sweet little Harper is still bringing some happiness into your life right now. I’m so sosrry that you are being put thru this because you are such an incredible person. Sometimes it’s good to be weak because it brings out the human in us. Hugz, jann
I am praying that the Father will wrap His loving arms around you right now and give you peace. May He continue to protect you and the girls. I thank Him that you have seen the real Hailee…the one who has so much potential & bright, sparkling eyes. I thank Him for Harper, may she bring you joy in these unending, otherwise joyless days. I pray for all the people in power that their hearts will be softened. That they will see these little ones need their mama now.
He IS using this blog, this situation and you Adeye. You will find strength in Him. He Loves you and these little girls so much!
You have a strong army of prayer warriors surrounding you!!!
I am so sorry my friend, I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I am praying for you. Love Janelle
Crying my eyes out for this precious angel. Why o why did they put her back on this medication.
Counting the days untill you can get her HOME, so the real Hailee can come out and blossom!!
Adeye - OK - we haven’t ‘known’ each other very long….and not to be contradictory…..but…..I have to disagree with you just a hair. You are NOT weak….tired, frustrated, angry, lonely, hungry, isolated - did I mention TIRED? - but not weak. You are among the strongest and most faithful of people that I have met. Soon enough you will be able to care for your girls as you know and feel they need - for now just recognize that you will not be allowed that control. It may not lesson the anger or frustration - but maybe just knowing the ‘why’ you feel that way will help you to cope with the feelings.
We’ll keep you in our hearts and prayers - hang in there, the end is coming - and hugs -
aus and co.
Oh Adeye, I think you are the strongest woman I know. My heart breaks for you as you see Hailee back on the meds, as you wait for progress on your case, as you pray about whether to stay till you can bring them home or return home and go back. My heart also breaks for those left behind. May God raise up more families like yours. (Are you able to take photos of the other children to advocate for them?)
Remember, your source of strength comes from Almighty God. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ ” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
May the power of Christ rest on you!
Much Love,
Kathie
What a nightmare. Praying that God gives you strength & that you will be able to bring those babies home soon !
Praying for you and all those precious children!! Reality is so hard sometimes, the only way through it is with the hope of Jesus!! Can’t wait for you to bring your girls home!!
Dear Adeye ~ I think you are correct when you say that you are not “strong”. No one has that type of strength, to deal with that type of pain. That is why Our God sent His Son to us. Don’t you know the pain He felt as He watched His Son suffer!! As a parent, You know the pain YOU feel when you see one of your children suffer. And, because He knows our Journey before we are born, He knows every situation we will walk through. And, knowing that, He sent Jesus to experience that horrific pain For Us! And, He died for You and Me so that we wouldn’t have to.
So, My Sister, it is okay to not be “strong”. You DO have other strengths. And you have great Compassion. That compassion is what led you to where you are. That compassion is what will bring your babies to a place of Joy and Healing.
My Prayers are that God will surround You and Hailee and Harper…with ALL of the Strength that you need. That the Angels of the Lord will hover around the girls when you are not with them. That He will place a Hedge around each of you, so that NOTHING will cause you pain and fear! But, most important, that HIS hands will cover the eyes and ears and hearts of those little girls, that they will have NO memories of the time they have spent in the orphanage.
I truly believe that He can give them NEW lives! Not just a new home and family, but completely new minds. Minds and Souls that will have no effects from what they have experienced there. I’m asking that the only therapy they will ever need is for their bodies to become strong and healthy. I know that the Love and care they will receive from You and Anthony and their older siblings will be life changing! How could it not be?!!
So let’s be in Agreement about the Freedom of their Hearts and Minds! And, Yours, as well! I just want this time and all of the pain you are experiencing, to soon be just a “blip” in the Big Picture of your family’s life! HIS Hand is in the midst of this time. So give all of the hard “stuff” to Him. And, just keep doing all of the things that only YOU can do! The things that have drawn all of US yo You and your family!
Without a doubt, You are HIS Girl!!
Love You ~ JO
Your weakness is not of the frightened kind, that seeks a way out.
Your weakness is of the gentle kind, that holds tight.
Crying with you, Bee
Please rest in His promises, your experiences show me how strong He is thru you—“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:14 Fervently praying for you and the deliverance of your daughters!!
I am not strong either!!! It is only in Him that we can truly find Strength!! I am praying for you to be able to quickly get your babies home Adeye!!! It won’t be long! God is moving on behalf of the babies that you and He adore!!!
HE is strong, so lean on Him. Praying for you, for your sweet girls, and for God to move mountains so that you can get them home right away.
Dear friend in Christ-have been looking at your blog for about a month now and following your journey to your two precious angels.
May God grant you the strength and patience to wait on his perfect timing.
Casting ALL your care upon Him-For He CARETH for YOU.
Praying for you and your sweet family.
Northern Ireland follower.